What’s your definition of a wife?

I asked the question in my last post “What’s wrong with wanting to be just a wife?” which sparked some interesting comments. First from my friend Tracie, and then from my friend Jade. That’s now in turn sparked a fresh idea for a new post.

THE KIND OF MOM I’D STRIVE TO BE LIKE IF I HAD KIDS

Tracie is an awesome mom. She wanted to be a mom, and is one of those who loved her son before she even knew he was coming. She was appalled at the thought of a mom not being proud of, or supporting of, her child and said so. (She was reacting to something I’d written in my last post about my mom.)

I always wanted my mom to be a mom like Tracie. Sadly, if I got straight As instead of “Good job!” I heard, “We’ll see if you can repeat it next report card.” Or, “Mom, I made the field hockey team!” “Oh fantastic. Something else I have to worry about paying for.”

Even though Tracie’s son has entered his teenage years and is at the point where he drives her bonkers much of the time, guess what? Where is she when he’s playing football? In the stands. Where is she when he’s doing band? Taking video of him which she later shares on Facebook.

Her love is palpable. Trevor might not always realize it now, but he’s very lucky to have a mom like Tracie. My mom never came to any of my field hockey games. Or lacrosse. There were no photos of me in her beloved office, where she spent 90% of her time.

I know, “Poor Courtney. Cry me a river.”

But in order to understand me and my relationship with Wayne, I’ve had to understand the most defining relationship I had growing up. It was with my mother, who was a good example of the wife I didn’t want to become.

WHAT’S YOUR DEFINITION OF A WIFE?

Jade has often pointed out to me that I talk as if I view being a wife as a job. She did it again in her comments on my last post, and this time I could see where she was coming from.

But this time she also asked an intriguing question: “What is your definition of a wife?”

Hmmm, let’s see. Well, honestly, it’s definitely changed over the years.

In the beginning (we’re talking teenage years/early twenties), I suffered from the Cinderella Syndrome. I wanted a husband who would rescue me. In Wayne’s case, he did rescue me. But not from my mom, who I mostly felt was wicked even if she was my real mom and who I used to think I needed rescuing from. No, he ultimately ended up saving me from myself. He was a deciding factor in my growth as a person.

He still is, though these days I also find examples of how to be a better person and wife in friends like Tracie and Jade, as well as my other best girlfriends Brenda, Karen, Kim, and Alicia.

So at first I saw wives as victims who needed help. I don’t see them as that anymore. And now?

I think what I’ve come to realize is that there are a lot of different wife types. I don’t think there is one definition. I think it depends on a woman’s personality. I think it determines the kind of wife she’ll be.

Some support their husband’s endeavors more than her own. Some see the husband as a financial arm to support her and the children. Some drive the show entirely. Others approach it as a united front. And, yes, some consider it a job.

HOW DO I DEFINE MY MARRIAGE?

As far as my marriage, it’s a combo of styles. Wayne needs to be in control. Many of the battles we fought early on had to do with this. And once I figured that out, guess what? I relinquished control in the areas that mattered most to Wayne. (Mainly finances.)

So I would say Wayne wears the pants in the family. I’m the kind of wife who defers final say to him on most things.

Yet, we’re also a team. There is no way either of us would do something major without consulting the other first. (Like taking a new job or making a big purchase.) However, sometimes he’s the captain calling the shots, other times I am. We put in the best player to perform depending on the situation. (Like negotiations. Wayne usually takes the lead. Coordinating our social life is mostly me. Planning trips is definitely a joint effort.)

There are also those times I see it as a job. As a wife, there are certain duties I have to fulfill to keep my marriage running smoothly. (I’m not talking sex. Some wives feel that’s a duty. Never! Mostly it’s the bland, chore-like stuff. ie. paying bills, doing laundry, etc.)

However, I’d also define my role as wife as being my husband’s best friend. I have yet to meet anyone I feel as comfortable around, who makes me laugh as much, and whose company or conversation I never tire of. I couldn’t imagine being a wife without this element. Crucial!

Basically, how I define wife, to use a Facebook-created expression: it’s complicated.

Tags: roles