I was having a marvelous end-of-season lunch with my tennis teammates this afternoon when one of them said, “Did you hear Donna Summers died?” after looking at her cell.

“What? How?” I asked.

“Cancer I guess.”

A hush fell over our table as we all absorbed the news. My heart dropped like it always does when I hear of anyone losing their battle with the disease –whether they’re famous or not.

Hearing of Donna Summers’s death was yet another reminder to me that no matter how rich and successful you become, no one is immune from cancer. No matter how many good deeds you do, how much money you amass, how creative or beautiful, cancer can get you.

Morbid? A bit. Yes. I apologize. Some days I find myself in this dark territory. Days like today when I’m reminded that for now my battle is on hold. I’m in remission. Hopefully I will one day be declared “cured.”

But even if that day comes, I am well aware cancer might choose to pick another fight. My mom beat breast cancer in the early 80s. But in 2008, cancer re-emerged, this time lung cancer. She had no fight left in her that time. It won.

My aunt was also diagnosed with ovarian cancer mere months before I learned I had lymphoma. Her treatments were successful. Temporarily. Less than two years later she was re-diagnosed, this time with leukemia. (Which she likely got due to her treatments for ovarian cancer. That was one of the possible side effects.) She was gone within three months of being diagnosed that time.

So, yes, I know cancer can come back. With a vengeance.

To help me confront some of my issues with being a cancer survivor, today I spent some time putting together a Pinterest board I have been thinking about creating for a while. A collection of famous people whose lives have been lost to the disease. You can see it here: Famous Faces Claimed by Cancer.

It’s my way of reminding myself that none of us know how much time we have on this Earth. None of us know what we can do with our lives. But in the end it’s the way we spend it that counts, not the way we end it.

My friend Jade sent me an article called “The 7 Worst Reasons to Get Married.” The seven that were listed were:

1. Your ex is engaged.
2. You’ve been dating a while.
3. You are, or she is, pregnant.
4. Your friends are married.
5. Your family wants you to.
6. He or she’s loaded.
7. You’re worried you won’t find anyone else.

I’d add to/amend a few of them as follows:

1. You have a Life Plan and are trying to stick to it. (ie. Get a degree by a certain date, get established in your career by a certain date, be married by a certain date, start a family by a certain date, etc…)
2. You think becoming Mrs. So and So magically gives you a new life and will solve all of your problems.
3. You’ve mistaken great sex with love.
4. A shotgun is involved in any way, shape or form. (Being cheeky with this last one. It would fall under the “because your family wants you to” category really.)

Why did you get married? I got married by sheer luck. Wayne was a reluctant groom. There were no shotguns involved in convincing him to propose, but there was an ultimatum.

Now some would say, “Marry me or else” is a horrible way to start a life together. Mostly I would agree.

But some people need a fire lit under them. Wayne was one of them. We’d been together seven years. I left him because I wanted to be married. To him. (He went through a phase where he thought I wanted to just be married, period.)

Wrong. I knew he was The One for me. It hurt my heart too much to stay when he couldn’t admit I was The One for him.

So I left. He knew the only way to get me back was to propose.

The reason he was so hesitant about it was because we’d both come from broken homes. We’d experienced the familial destruction of divorce. Neither of us ever wanted to live through it again.

So Wayne was much more leery about marriage than I was. I, however, had faith. I knew our souls were cosmically linked.

How did I know he was The One? I knew before I even met him. I dreamed of him and knew the man in my dream was my soul mate. I never saw his face in the dream, but I knew I would recognize him when I woke and saw him in real life.

Now, I had always been boy crazy my whole life. I was one of those girls who fell in and out of love with new boys every week.

The chemistry with Wayne was different. It rocked my socks to my soul and back again. No one had ever made my heart feel the way he did.

That’s why I think I’m lucky. He could’ve just as easily let me walk when I moved out on him. If he had, I don’t think I would’ve gotten married.

If I had married someone else, it might’ve been for one of the reasons listed above. But it would not have been for love. Oh, sure, I might’ve been able to lie to myself (and the other guy) for a while. But eventually I would’ve had to face the truth. I wasn’t destined to be with my one true love in this lifetime.

Thankfully, I lucked out. I not only got to go through this lifetime with my pea pod mate, I found him very early and have spent two and a half decades loving him already. I hope I get to add many more decades to that.

Why did you get married?

Last week I wondered why men are so threatened by women. Now I’m thinking the better question may be “why do men think they’re so much more entitled and capable of leading than women?”

They clearly don’t like competition from women. I’m not saying all men feel this way. But there does appear to be a growing movement of men trying to reclaim their Masters of the Universe title. For some reason, there is a very vocal segment of the male population which feel women are threatening their domain.

CHAUVINISM IS ALIVE AND WELL

But what is their domain? To dictate what’s right and wrong? To make decisions for everyone based on their viewpoint? To make outrageous statements like the ones in these two articles I came across today?

1. Jesse Lee Peterson, Conservative Preacher, Says Women’s Voting Rights ‘One Of America’s Greatest Mistakes’
2. 8 Reasons Why Men Will Always Rule The Earth–The Most Sexist Article You Will Ever Read

THE WAR AGAINST WOMEN PROTESTORS

A couple of weekends back, there was a rally for women’s rights here in Nashville. There were similar rallies all across the country. I sort of shook my head, disbelieving some of the signs I saw protestors carrying. Some said things like “Stop the War Against Women” and “United Against the War on Women.”

Had I somehow time-traveled back to the Seventies? Didn’t women have more rights than ever? Were we suddenly being repressed again and I didn’t get the memo?

Not quite, but some women do feel battle lines have been drawn and some people are most definitely waging a war against women.

• There’s a campaign on MoveOn.org called Stop the Republican War on Women
• UniteWomen.org was founded in February 2012 by two women who came together via the Internet in a response to a need they saw to protect women’s rights, which they feel are rapidly eroding. Come to find out via a Huffington Post article, this time written by Marcia G. Yerman, “Uniting on the War Against Women,” UW is the group responsible for the rally I mentioned above.

But not just women feel there’s a war against women and that there’s a need to speak up about it. Senator Bernie Sanders, a male Independent U.S. Senator from Vermont, also wrote an article in the Huffington Post called “United Against the War on Women.”

The right-wing in this country is waging a war against women and, let me be very clear, it is not a war that we are going to allow them to win.

THE POLITICS OF THE MATTER

From what I’m gathering, it seems a lot of those who want to violate women’s rights are operating on fears of what Obamacare is going to bring. Many don’t want to see their hard-earned tax payer dollars being spent on contraceptives and abortions. They’re looking for any means possible to overturn Roe v. Wade –and not exactly by using the legal system to do it.

I most likely would not opt to have an abortion, but that does not make me Pro Life. I’m most definitely Pro Choice. Men don’t have the babies. Other women aren’t going to be responsible for the baby that’s born. There is only one person who should ever decide whether giving birth is right for her and her situation or not, and that is the woman with child.

It doesn’t matter how she got knocked up. People may argue abortion is murder, but, again, they are not the ones responsible for that life. There are fates worse than death. Not every baby put up for adoption is adopted. Whether Pro Lifers realize it or not, especially the ones arguing they don’t want their tax payers dollars being spent on terminating pregnancies, guess who pays for kids in foster programs? And guess how miserable many of those children’s lives are?

Yet, I guess they’re alive. To be neglected, abused, and lead unhappy lives that lead down bad paths such as drug abuse and criminal behavior, which then end up costing tax payers jail costs.

PREPARING MY CAMO PANTIES

Ladies, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, or believe it or not (as I’m still having a hard time doing), it does seem we’re at war. But the enemy is not men. It’s ignorance.

There are plenty of men out there who realize women help make this world of ours go ’round. Just as they did when women got the vote in the 1920s and women got more rights in the 1970s, those same type of men will stand with us to ensure justice prevails.

Still, I’m channeling my inner Rosie the Riveter. I’m not afraid to pull up my big girl panties and take on any contenders who feel I have a place they need to put me in. I just dare them to try. I always wanted to use a rivet gun. I can’t think of a better, more fitting purpose than to seal up some male chauvinistic  pie holes.

Photo Credit

Women at work on bomber, Douglas Aircraft Company, Long Beach, Calif. (LOC) – from flickr The Commons, provided by The Library of Congress

Today on my way to my four month oncology check-up, I saw an awesome bumper sticker. It said: “You were once wild. Don’t let them tame you.”

I don’t know what it was supporting. There was fine print under the second line, but I didn’t get a chance to try and read it. (The car the sticker was on was in the lane next to mine. Ours moved ahead and their’s never caught back up.)

All I know was it was one of those things that spoke to my soul. I’ve been thinking about it all day.

MIDDLE FINGER TO THE WORLD

Some may think that becoming a stay-at-home wife and relying on someone else to financially support you is submissive. And stupid. Once upon a time, I may have agreed with those folks.

However, ever since I started writing this blog and analyzing my life, I’ve come to realize choosing to be a wife was actually my “F you!” statement to society.

I think if I had been born a decade or two earlier, I would’ve been among the women burning my bra and staying independent, financially and emotionally, as I rallied with my sisters for women’s rights. Why? Because that would’ve been an “F you!” statement for those times.

GDI

You see, right, wrong, or otherwise, I’ve always had a God-Damn Independent spirit. Or maybe that’s glamming it up. As I’ve admitted before, I’m stubborn to the core. Always have been and always will be until the day I die.

If you expect me to do something, I won’t. If you demand I do something, I’ll do the opposite.

My mom expected me to go to college and become a successful business woman. She completely ignored my creative spirit, which has only ever been apparent right from the start. I do sort of have an entrepreneurial spirit, but a business mogul’s heart? Nuh uh. That blood does not course through my veins.

I’ve only ever had one dream. Okay, two.

1. To write.
2. To be in love and be loved in return. (To paraphrase one of my favorite lines from a song in Moulin Rouge.)

Call it simple. Call it crazy. Call it naive. You can call it whatever you want, but those are the two main things that were put into my heart when I was born into this world.

When Wayne gave me the chance to become a stay-at-home wife and pursue both my passion to write and be a devoted wife thirteen years ago, I took it. At different times over the years, I’ve stressed about it, fretted about it, wondered if it was the right thing to do, but today, after seeing that bumper sticker, something clicked like it never had before.

MY OUTSIDE DOESN’T MATCH MY INSIDE

Even though most people who meet me automatically think I’m nice, they usually have no idea how deep my waters run. (Some figure it out once they get to know me, though.)

But for the most part people take me at face value: nice, amiable, sweet, conventional.

However, not everything about me is “conventional.” It never has been.

Twenty-six years ago, at the ripe old age of fifteen, I fell in love with Wayne and knew he was unequivocally “the one.” When people guffawed back then, I do what they do now when they guffaw at the idea of settling down so soon and not exploring my options more. I just smile as they’re outwardly pitying and judging me, because I’m inwardly chuckling that I’ve had 26 years in a loving relationship where I got to grow up with my best friend and I know it’s a life experience they’ll never have or truly appreciate.

Yet, when we got married I didn’t take his last name. I came into this world Courtney Mroch and I don’t see why I, as the woman, should be expected to change my last name upon marriage. So I didn’t. (Plus, I’m lazy. If it wasn’t a hassle, maybe I would’ve. But it was too much effort and I’m all about conservation of energy –not just the world’s resources but my own!)

Now I’m a stay-at-home wife in an era when that’s probably more looked down on than ever before. Yet, I take real pride and get immense satisfaction out of being a devoted wife. Plus, for all the cooking, cleaning, errands, etc. I do, I’m “rewarded” (for lack of a better word) with the chance to pursue my dreams.

At the end of the day, if I had let society’s ideals tame my own, I could not say I’m happy like I do now.  I derive immense gratification and satisfaction being a devoted wife who spends her time cultivating a happy marriage, thank you very much.

I will not be tamed!

Photo Credit

“Woman wearing a bathing suit and Indian headdress raising a small hatchet in her right hand, Tacoma, Washington” from flickr The Commons collection contributed by UW Digital Collections.

I’m actually really not much of a shopper. Every once in a while I’ll get the itch, but mostly I’m a “shop only when  I need something” kind of girl. I’m definitely not a shop ’til you drop one. I drop pretty fast because I get bored really quick.

However, there is one exception: the Internet. I definitely don’t spend hours online shopping. Mostly I either have my favorite sites, or get catalogs that have online stores and shop that way. For me, it’s quick, easy, and painless. No driving, malls, or madness.

Even though my own mom is gone, I’ve got shopping on the brain because of Mother’s Day. I thought it’d be fun to share 10 online stores where I always find unique gifts for whatever occasions I may be shopping for.

I’d love to know what your favorite online stores are. Do we share any in common?

P.S. In the interest of disclosure and propriety, stores marked with an “*” after their names are ones with affiliate programs I participate in. But I signed up to be an affiliate because I already shopped at those stores anyway. So I’m not trying to sell anyone anything from anywhere that I wouldn’t shop at myself.

1. AdamEveToys.com*

I’m all about giving gifts that’ll make people giggle. One of the best joke gifts is the sexy kind. My sister-friend Tracie gave me a sexy joke gift one birthday that had me howling. (Then Wayne and I ended up using it, and it had me howling in a different way. {wink})

With over 100 products under $25, you can easily find gift ideas for any occasion. They have the usual suspect of toys you might expect, but they also have some fun things like a Bathtub Love Game ($19.95) or I’ve Never Game Cards ($9.95) that would make a fun gift.

2. Design Toscano*

My home would look like a museum if I could buy everything from Design Toscano that catches my eye. I tag almost every page as I flip through their catalog. They have such clever garden statues, sculptures, and wall decor. They even have jewelry. (The
Lady Anastasia Victorian Necklace and Earring Ensemble is one of my faves. It’s usually $39.95 but as of this writing it’s on sale for $29.95. Might have to drop a big hint to Wayne.)

What I really like about Design Toscano is the range. They have stuff that appeals to my macabre sensibilities as well as my romantic ones. I’ve put some examples below. If you’ve not checked them out, but ever need a unique gift, this is a great place to browse.

The Kiss Statue

Tiny the Elephant Lawn Sculpture and Garden Sprinkler

Normandie Tin Sign

3. Dogeared Jewelry and Gifts

I fell in love with Dogeared‘s Make a Wish necklaces a couple of years back.  I liked the idea of making a wish before you put a necklace on, and when the string broke your wish would come true.

But then I didn’t want to lose the charm, so when my necklace started wearing thin, I took it off. (And guess what? I still ended up losing the charm, because my jewelry drawer ate it when I tucked it inside for safekeeping. I can’t find it now!)

This company has grown by leaps and bounds in a short time. They now have all kinds of collections. I still like the Make a Wish necklaces, but I also like their Pearls Of… necklaces and the Zodiac ones, as well as the Healing Gems. (I really like the cherry quartz healing gem and the onyx teardrop.)

They don’t make necklaces only. They also have bracelets and earrings too.

4. Femail Creations

When my Femail Creations catalog comes, I rejoice. Their creations speak to my soul…and often tickle my funny bone. I’ll give you examples below of what I mean. That’s the easiest way to illustrate what exactly appeals to me about the products they sell.

5. Fun, Funky, Warm & Fuzzy

This one almost needs an asterisk by it, but I’m not an affiliate. But I do know the genius behind the fabulously fun, funky, warm, & fuzzy creations in this Etsy store. She’s another sister-friend of mine, Dinell. I’ve bought at least three, if not four (or maybe more, I’ve lost count) of her pendants now.

6. Girly Twirly

I saw a couple of Girly Twirly products featured in an issue of Woman’s World. I knew two people they’d be perfect for, a friend’s daughter and another friend of mine. That’s how I became acquainted with this store.

They specialize in monogrammed gifts in particular. (If you like to give your gifts that sort of personal touch. Sometimes that’s a lot of fun.)

They’re site doesn’t allow me to copy images so I’ll just link to some of their fun stuff:

• iPhone, Galaxy S & Blackberry Covers
• iPad & Kindle Booklet Style Covers
• Women’s Gifts (pashminas, sun hats, totes, umbrellas, spa towels and robes, clipboards, aprons, dish gloves…so many fun things for the ladies in your life.)
• Wedding Gifts (gifts for the bride, bridesmaids gifts, wedding reception accessories…they have a wide variety of wedding-related items.)

7. Maggie’s Station

I could potentially also put an asterisk by Maggie’s Station too, since my cousin owns it. However, I’m not an affiliate. I just believe in her and her products and know she puts 100% into her stationery store. If you need invitations for just about any occasion (we’re talking everything from baby showers & weddings to pool parties and birthdays), photo Christmas cards, note cards or paper, she can cover it.

Many of her products can also be personalized. And if you have a favorite college, she carries a lot of collegiate-themed items too. Here’s a small sampling of what you’ll find:

Cinderella Proof Beverage Napkins

Flat Paper (style “Filigree)

Invitation (style “Western Longhorn”)

Invitation (style “Flipped Out”)

8. Sweet Shop Hoops

Gifts don’t get more unique than “candy inspired custom made” hula hoops. I met Linda, the owner of Sweet Shop Hoops, via my blog Haunt Jaunts. Then I learned about her hula hoop store and have been nothing but impressed by her creations.

If you tell her what colors you want, she’ll create a hoop specially for you. But you can also choose from a wide variety of fun candy hoops. (They’re not made out of it. They’re made to work off indulging in some!) You can also find her hoops on Etsy.

Orangesicle Hula Hoop

Hot Tamale

Blue Rasberry

9. Unique Vintage*

I don’t remember how I stumbled across Unique Vintage, but I remember it was serendipitous. They sell retro styles, which I’m much more drawn to than most of today’s fashions.

But they don’t only sell retro, they have contemporary clothes too. But not just clothes. (Because buying clothes for myself is hard enough, I can’t even imagine buying for anyone else. But when I want to gift myself with some news duds, or need a dress, I always shop here.)

They also sell accessories (everything from hats, gloves, and aprons to umbrellas and jewelry), shoes, and things for the home. Here’s some of the things that always catch my eye when I’m on their site:

10. Victorian Trading Co.

I notice a pattern within myself forming in many of the stores I shop. They sell items that hearken to bygone eras. The types of items Victorian Trading very much speaks to my soul. The images evoke nostalgia, as if a part of me is remembering  a former lifetime.

They sell everything from books and clothes to home decor and home furnishings. Most of it vintage inspired. Here’s a sampling of some of the sorts of things that appeal to me from this store:

Poe’s Midnight Blend Steep Show Teas

Jane’s Regency Rose Steep Show Tea

Where Women Create book

Chocolate Kiss Gloss

Whoopie Cream (It’s neither cream for making whoopie nor the cream from inside whoopie pies, although it is inspired by the latter. Super fun gift idea.)

You know what I find interesting and don’t understand at all? Men who are threatened by women.

I was watching Survivor One World a couple of weeks back. In case you don’t watch Survivor, this time they separated the two tribes to start with, men against women, but instead of having them live in separate locations, they all shared the same spot on the beach.

At one point they reshuffled the tribes and combined the men with women into two new tribes. I think at that point they did move one tribe to a different location to make camp. Then came the inevitable merge.

Going into the merge, it was even numbers men against women. The first person voted out of the merged tribe was a man. One Survivor, Jay, made a comment while talking to the cameras like the players do that he wasn’t about to get beat by women.

Joke was on him. He ended up getting voted out a short time later.

BEING BEAT BY A GIRL: A BIG BLOW TO A MAN’S EGO

This isn’t the first time on Survivor, or any TV show with men and women competing against each other, that you’ll hear a man say something to the effect, “I’m not about to get beat by a girl.”

I see it a lot in the coed sports I play. Like when I’m playing volleyball. It pisses the guys off if they go to hit a ball, aim at a girl, and she digs it. (For those unfamiliar with volleyball lingo, digging it doesn’t mean she likes it. It means she was able to get the ball and keep it from hitting the ground, and, thus, the other team scoring a point.)

It pisses them off even more if they go up to block a girl who’s hitting over the net (not even necessarily spiking) and she scores on him. And if a girl is tall enough and talented enough to spike herself? Watch the fumes pour out when she gets past the block then. Or if she happens to block his shot. Oh man, the other guys on the court always jump on the “You just got stuffed by a girl” taunting bandwagon.

Even my own darling husband despises getting passed up by women runners. Wow does that get his goat.

WHY IS BEING PHYSICALLY SUPERIOR TO WOMEN SO IMPORTANT TO MEN?

But why? Why is it men get so bent out of shape if a woman can compete on a physical level with them?

Heck, not even just physical. They don’t seem to appreciate women upstaging them in mental prowess either. And heaven forbid if a woman earns more than a man. That just seems to bust their egos to no end.

Again…why?

Not being a man, I don’t get why men are threatened by women. As a woman I don’t think, “Ooo, I have to be better than that guy.” (Well, when I worked outside of the home I knew there were times I did have to think this way so I would be considered for certain positions and such.)

But in general, that kind of thinking makes no sense to me. Then again, I’m a woman so I do think differently.

FEMALE WIRING VS. MALE WIRING

A couple of mornings ago, I was watching Rosie O’Donnell, Star Jones, and Donny Deutsch on “Today’s Professionals.” One of the topics they discussed was the U.S. Secret Service prostitution scandal.

Deutsch made a weird, but telling comment. “There’s a reason men fight wars.”

Um, yeah, because they create them.

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.” ~Elayne Boosler

I know what he was getting at. I applauded O’Donnell for saying, “Hey, women fight the wars now too.”

Deutsch was trying to explain that men are built different. They need to get out their aggressions. They see sex differently. They don’t think anything of using a prostitute, whereas a woman is just not wired that way.

O’Donnell said she was one of the only women on the comics circuit back in the day. The fellow male comics she traveled with hooked up all the time. When more women got into it, that didn’t go on as much. She said there’s definitely a guy code. They’ll turn the other cheek. Women aren’t going to let that kind of bad behavior go unchecked.

Which leads me to wonder: If women ruled the world, would so many wars be fought? Would there still be so many sex scandals? Would we have less corruption or about the same? (Because I know women aren’t perfect. We’re just as susceptible to bribes and monkey business, but are we as tempted to give in to it?)

A THEORY ABOUT MEN DOMINATING WOMEN

I’m not sure why men are so threatened by women, but I really wonder if that’s why historically they’ve tried to suppress us. Was it easier for them to keep us at home rather than competing against us?

Is it that deep down they know if women are around reminding them how to act right, they wouldn’t get away with as much?Is that why they came up with this fantasy proclamation that women are the weaker sex? A tag that implies we’re not just physically weaker, but mentally more fragile too.

I’d like to see the toughest, strongest, meanest man dealing with PMS symptoms. Or, better yet, giving natural birth with no pain killers.

If they had to birth the babies, they’d be a lot less nonchalant about sending children off to war. They’d appreciate all that went into making them, carrying them, delivering them.

I kind of feel sorry for men who are threatened by women. Deep down they know they should be worried. We are tougher than they are. We are not even close to being the weaker sex they’d like to believe we are.

And as far as mental prowess? I have three words: toilet paper roll. It is the rare male specimen who is not challenged to change one.

I mean, come on. How superior can you be when that’s too complicated a task to complete? When I think of it like that, it’s amazing to me women have let men run the world for so long.

“I’m only a housewife, I’m afraid.” How often do we hear this shocking admission. I’m afraid when I hear it I feel very angry indeed. Only a housewife: only a practitioner of one of the two most noble professions (the other one is that of a farmer); only the mistress of a huge battery of high and varied skills and custodian of civilization itself. Only a typist, perhaps! Only a company director, or a nuclear physicist; only a barrister; only the President! When a woman says she is a housewife she should say it with the utmost pride, for there is nothing higher on this planet to which she could aspire.” ~John Seymour, Forgotten Household Crafts

The other night on Mad Men, Peggy used the word “homemaker” during her pitch to a Heinz executive. It struck me as a curious word choice. It also struck me as curious how she defended the “work” they do creating memories for their children.

I don’t ever recall stay-at-home moms being referred to as homemakers when I grew up. Housewives, yes, but homemakers wasn’t a term I heard except for maybe in movies from the Fifties or Sixties or in TV show reruns from that same era.

It wasn’t until the late Nineties, when I was gifted with Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, that I became acquainted with not only the term “homemaker,” but also the concept.

HOUSEWIFE VS. HOMEMAKER

As I’ve heard many others argue, “housewife” sounds too cold. It makes it sound like you’re married to a house.

By contrast, “homemaker” has a warmer, more productive air to it.

I like how Sarah Ban Breathnach discussed it. You’re loving your home into being. You’re making it a warm, safe, comforting space to nurture those you love.

I used to shutter at the thought of calling myself either a homemaker or a housewife. I didn’t think either title was noble, worthy, or important enough. (Like “stay-at-home wife” sounds any better, right?)

HOMEMAKERS MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE

However, I’d argue the world, especially the United States of America, needs more homemakers. We just might be a more crucial asset to society than anyone realizes.

Why would I make such a bold statement? Because while there has been a lot of advancements for women in the workplace since the Women’s Rights Movement, there’s also been a steady decline in other arenas, such as:

• discipline
• common sense
• etiquette and manners in general
• love

People often associate homemaking with housework. Cooking and cleaning is only one aspect of staying-at-home. Homemakers do more. So much more.

Homemakers used to be the gatekeepers, the teachers, the disciplinarians, the shoulders to cry on, and the one’s with words of advice to solve problems. They taught their children everything from how to tie their own shoestrings, to respecting their elders and addressing them properly, to saying “Yes, please,” and “No, thank you.”

Who teaches the children how to behave now? Who prepares them to stand on their own two feet? Sure, parents today expect a lot from their kids, but they also help them a lot. They give them so much, from help with homework to gadgets galore. But they also don’t let them fall or figure things out on their own as much. That sure doesn’t set them up for success later in life.

THE WORLD WITHOUT HOMEMAKERS

Working moms are pulled in too many directions. Most don’t have either the time or the energy to properly mold their progeny into self-motivated, level-headed, responsible, respectful people.

There used to be a time homemakers knew how to live on one-income budgets. They could only afford one car? Fine. They’d make due. Couldn’t afford to eat out that week? Fine. Then they’d eat at home.

In some cases the husbands were the ones in charge of the finances, so some women didn’t have as much say or control. Still, even if they were only given X amount of dollars for buying groceries, they had a basic understanding that guess what? I only have X amount of dollars to spend on our food so I have to make that work.

They may have wanted things, but they were better at deciding between needs and wants. Maybe because there weren’t fifteen different credit cards to max out it was easier not to give into instant gratification. Also, it was also harder to get credit once upon a time. Most households lived within their means because they had no other choice. They made due with what they had, and, most importantly, didn’t see any shame in doing so.

Of course, times have changed. In suburbs across the country these days, most modern stay-at-home moms probably couldn’t even fathom a one-car household, life without plastic, and cooking most every meal.

HOMEMAKERS CREATE SOLID FOUNDATIONS

It’s too bad the home ever became a place to be looked down on, or to be viewed as a trap, dungeon, or prison. Not that life was all rosy and peachy back in the day. I understand there were downsides.

But there are downsides to working outside the home, too. I wonder if one of the things the Freakonomics guys discuss in their book is the economic impact of more women in the workforce?

Debt has been steadily on the rise since 1975. (See “Forgive Us Our Trespasses? The Rise of Consumer Debt in Modern America” by Matthew Ruben.) Why aren’t more households doing better financially then? Why are most consumed by debt? (And not just mortgages or car payments, but major credit card debt.) Fat lot of good an extra income is doing in that respect.

What if women, especially ones with kids, weren’t always as important outside the home as they are inside the home? I’ve heard so many of my friends say they could never stay home with the kids, or, worse, do like I do and stay home all by themselves. I can see staying home like I do not being for everyone. I’ll give them that. But why have kids if you don’t want to spend time with them and be responsible for shaping them?

I’m totally for women working. But I’m even more for women who reproduce staying home at some point too. It’d be nice to see companies making it easier for women to transition in and out of the workforce, and not penalizing them for having kids and wanting to raise them.

Our country could benefit from more attention being lavished on the home and revering the work homemakers do rather than dismissing and marginalizing it.

Several weeks ago I was going to write about the E. L. James Fifty Shades of Grey book after watching a segment on the Today show about it. It was featured as the dirty little secret sweeping through suburban book clubs. The return of the bodice-ripper, with a twist…mainly BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism).

As part of the segment, they had Dr. Laura Berman, PhD on to analyze the phenomenon. She said she wasn’t surprised women were so drawn to Fifty Shades of Grey. The Women’s Movement has created strong women, but in the end we’re still women. Dr. Laura theorized we fantasize about being dominated and having one place where we’re not in control and doing all the work.

Ever since then, I keep hearing about the book. Last Friday 20/20 did a “Strange Arrangements” episode. They talked about Fifty Shades of Grey and the trilogy and interviewed the author.

Apparently it involves a lot of steamy, and not quite conventional, sex. I have not read it, but understand it’s about a young woman who falls in love with a very wealthy older man and agrees to become his submissive.

I’ve heard from friends who’ve read it that it’s an absolute page turner. And that it’s also quite romantic.

Some think it’s filthy porn. Some married people feel it’s spicing up their sex lives. Others feel it’s a lousy-written book that’s gotten lucky with publicity.

I’m not sure if I will give it a try or not. I am super interested in what a phenomenon it’s become, though. To me it sounds sort of like a contemporary spin on an familiar fairy tale. Except the prince and princess in this version are into some kinkier than normal things. But in the end there’s the fantasy of being taken care and having no money problems. With the way our economy has been lately, I can see why that of all things would be appealing.

Personally, I’ve never been into the whole blindfold me/tie me up stuff. I actually like Wayne being the aggressive one in the bedroom (meaning he initiates sex), and me being more passive, but I don’t like being restricted in any way. (Even before I read Stephen King’s Gerald’s Game I didn’t like it, but when I did read it all I could think was, “And this is why I don’t like that stuff. You have no control and you never know what might happen to leave you in an even more compromising position.”)

Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? How do you feel about BDSM and such? Do you feel the Fifty Shades trilogy has resonated with so many women because it does let them escape into the fantasy of not having to be the bread-winner, all-together, all-the-time with it modern woman?

Lately I’ve been faithfully watching re-runs of shows like The Golden Girls and Facts of Life. It accomplishes a few things:

1. It’s a good shot of nostalgia that takes me back to simpler, happier times.
2. The shows crack me up. (It’s especially rare for me not to laugh out loud at least once during The Golden Girls. Something Sophia says usually does it, but once in a while it’s one of the others who tickles my funny bone just right.)
3. It makes me hopeful that whatever disputes or misunderstandings  I’m having with friends will ultimately have a happy resolution.

The latest friend drama involves me indirectly. Basically, a friend of a friend suffered hurt feelings and turned to me to vent. Actually, two friends did.

It involves tennis, and who’s going to play with who during one of our leagues. I saw the writing on the wall at the end of last season that one friend was making a play to play with the partner I had for the last two seasons. I’ll call the friend KC.

Well, KC has been partners with DW since our team started. They’re not only friends at tennis, they’re friends outside of tennis. Their kids are best friends, they do a lot with their church together, their husbands are tight. I figured surely KC had let DW in on her intentions to play with a different partner.

Nope. It turns out she didn’t. Worse, she played it off as it’s our coach’s doing for the lineup change.

I’ve suspected for a while now that KC has a conniving side to her. That she gets her way through subtle (and not-so-subtle) manipulation. She’s manipulated the whole team into switching things up because she wants to play with a certain person. (ie. My old partner, who I’m not actually sad to give up. My ex-partner is a great person, don’t get me wrong. At one time, she was top of the team and I was stoked to play with her. Not anymore. We had no on-court chemistry. Worse, she’s not as good as she used to be. I’d say she’s 5th or 6th best now. I was actually relieved at the chance to get a new partner.)

Anyway, instead of coming out and saying that her and my ex want to play together, KC has worked everyone’s egos when she can, or, if she can’t, falls back on saying, “Well, that’s what our coach thinks is best.”

It’s super sad, has resulted in a bunch of hurt feelings, and will ultimately see our team imploding at the end of the season.

I think KC and DW have sorted out their differences –because KC is not allowing any other option. She hasn’t at all tried to empathize with where DW was coming from for being upset. (It goes beyond the fact that she didn’t know KC didn’t want to be her partner anymore. KC had said some derogatory things about the person DW got put with. DW took it as a reflection on her that maybe KC also thought she stunk as a player and was hoping she’d leave the team too. KC just dismissed all of DW’s grievances and then made excuses for the rest of her concerns.)

I didn’t like what I saw. Or even the hand I got dealt. KC and my old partner said they didn’t like playing with me because I’m too nice. Not only does it make them think I’m not competitive, they say it distracts them and throws off their game. When I heard that, the first thing I thought of was the proverb “A poor workman blames his tools.”

And when I said, “Hey I’m fine playing with my new partner (who I’ll dub OB), but I have to warn you, she won’t want me,” KC dismissed that too and said, “Oh, she does the same to me. She just wants to win.”

Wrong. OB has dissed me numerous times. Like she did with her good friend DW’s concerns, KC made excuses for all the things OB has done.

All KC is worried about is that she gets to play with who she wants. Well, she got it. But it’s coming with a hefty price.

All her scheming has riled everyone up, KC herself has said she’s not coming back as captain next season, and half the team (myself included) will walk at the end of the season.

It’s such a shame because we had a good thing for a while. But I guess all good things have to come to an end. Like beloved sitcoms. Eventually their series runs its course.

But before they say goodbye, they usually get a chance to wrap things up nice and neat. I sure wish real life could do that sometimes.

How do you handle drama with, and between, friends? Have you ever been in a situation like this? What did you do?

While I ate lunch this afternoon, I watched one of the entertainment shows. One of their segments was about Alec Baldwin’s stalker. It reminded me of a show I once saw about female stalkers. I think it was an episode of “Stalked” on Investigation Discovery.

I wish I had written down the stats because I can’t remember them exactly, but they were interesting. And surprising. Female stalkers don’t make up as large a percentage as male stalkers, but it was a more significant number than I’d have expected. I want to say like 20 or 25 percent.

Something interesting the show stressed was that female stalkers aren’t taken as seriously as male stalkers, which is not good. They are every bit as dangerous as male stalkers.

Wayne and I both had stalkers in college. Mine wasn’t as bad as his was, though. He was creepy, and it bothered me that he’d watch my dorm entrance with binoculars from his room waiting for me to come and go. He only “met” me accidentally on purpose as I was heading to class a couple of times. He’d call my room moments after I walked through the door, though, on many occassions, always wanting to know where I’d been and with who. That somehow bothered me more.

I had male friends in his dorm who had a polite talk with him about his misguided notions of romance. (Yes, he thought I’d find his gestures romantic.) It stopped right after that.

Wayne’s female stalker was a bit more intense and aggressive. She’d follow him and left him smutty notes on his Bronco or stick them on his apartment door.

I had a big jealous streak back then and he knew I’d automatically blame him for having provoked her. That’s the other thing the “Stalked” episode said is often different between male and female stalkers. People rarely accuse the woman being stalked of having provoked the unwanted affection. People often believe men being stalked have done something to deserve it.

Wayne explained he hadn’t ever really talked to this girl except to help her out once with something in the pool. (He worked as a lifeguard at his college’s pool.)

Eventually I believed him, and eventually she stopped. (I wish it was because he’d let me at her, but he knew the bloodshed that would’ve resulted so he wisely kept me away from her and out of jail.)

In both Wayne and I’s cases, all we did was show strangers a little kindness. Sometimes that’s all it takes. Other times it’s even less than that that sparks the crazy inside someone’s head.

Still, I feel bad for Alec Baldwin. He apparently knew the woman. So far it doesn’t appear he ever had an intimate relationship with her, but even if he had, her behavior is unacceptable. And laughable as many men would see it, a woman can kill as easily as a man if she’s not in her right mind, which many stalkers aren’t.

I wish him a speedy resolution to the matter and I hope his stalker gets the help she needs.

Have you ever been stalked?