Laura Carroll of La Vie Childfree posted a link to an interesting forum on her Facebook page (Families of Two: Childfree and Beyond) today. It was to The Childfree Life thread titled CF but what if there’s an oops?
There were two things in particular I found most interesting, as well as fascinating, about the responses:
- I’ve never seen so many married women openly declare abortion would not only be an option for them, but the option, if they accidentally got pregnant. They were CF all the way, baby.
- I noticed a sub-theme of women who were not open about being childless-by-choice, in part because what if an “oopsie” (as it was referred to on the thread) did happen at some point? How would they explain that?
BEFORE I CAME OUT OF THE CF CLOSET
I could relate to it all. I think in my twenties I was borderline childfree in mentality, but was not open about it. When I envisioned my marriage in the future –be it five, ten, or twenty years out– kids were not in the picture. It was always just Wayne and me.
When people would ask when we’d be having kids, I’d shrug. I think part of me expected these things just sort of happened organically at some point in time. But if it didn’t? I always felt so relieved at that thought.
In my late twenties to mid-thirties, I really started realizing I was leaning towards a life without children –and started becoming open about it. All my friends were having kids. They were planning their families, trying to get pregnant, spending loads of cash on having kids when it wasn’t happening naturally. I just watched it all going down but had no interest in joining in –and said so.
WHAT IF HE WANTS KIDS?
But I worried what Wayne wanted. Did he want kids? Would this become an issue in our marriage? What if he did want them? Or regretted not having them? That presented an interesting question: just how devoted to Wayne was I? Enough to give him kids so we’d stay together if he did wantd them? Or would I have to leave him because I didn’t want kids and was not going to budge on that?
I’ll be honeset, I don’t know which thought pained me more: having kids, or not having Wayne anymore because I didn’t want kids.
Luckily Wayne was neither devout childfree nor devout pro-child. He was fine leaving it all up to me. If I wanted kids, he’d be all in. If I didn’t, great. One less financial thing for him to have to worry about.
THE ADOPTION PATH
When I was diagnosed with cancer, the doctor said, “Listen, if you are ever planning on having kids, you’ll want to freeze some eggs before we start chemo. A lot of times, this is it. People can’t conceive after cancer treatments.”
Confronting it like that put it in a whole different perspective. For about half a second.
I have never wanted to go through childbirth. I view it this way: there are a shit ton of kids who were already born in this world that need families and don’t have anyone to love them.
If I had a desire to be a mom, I’d rather adopt and match up the love I have to give to someone who wants and needs it rather than populating the Earth with one more person. I could care less about a child being of my flesh and blood. Love comes from the heart. That’s what creates and connects families, not DNA.
BUT WHAT IF…?
We’ve had a few scares in our marriage. Yes, scares. The times I’ve wondered, “Oh shit! Did our BC fail and I’m knocked up for real this time?” has only struck terror in my heart. Not excitement. Not joy. Not hope. Heart-racing, pulse-pounding, roiling stomach, about to be sick terror.
It doesn’t mean I don’t like kids. Many CFs don’t like kids and don’t want them. I like kids, but I don’t want any of my own.
If the BC failed? We’d probably become parents. As long as it was healthy and I could safely go through with it.
I’ve always been pro-choice, but as I get older I know abortion would not be right for me. And I can’t see putting it up for adoption.
If it happened, I might be honest that I was a reluctant parent, but I would never, ever use the word “accident” to describe my baby. My parents did that, and also told me (more than once) that if abortion had been legal when I was conceived, I would not be here today. It’s a horrible, hateful thing for a child to hear. I’d say “surprise,” but never “accident.”
The whole point of being pro-choice is having the ability to make the right decision for you and your family. The more options that are available, the better.
With that in mind, I hope you never have to become a reluctant parent. People should be mentally, physically, emotionally and financially ready to become parents. Those who aren’t tend to struggle a lot more.
Agreed! On all of it. The whole point of pro choice and not good being a reluctant parent. Creates stress and chaos. I am the product of such a beast.
I remember when I realized I was “old enough” to have a baby. I was married, had a good job, a good house… and I thought, “Oh my gosh, this is when I’m supposed to have a baby! CRAP!” Fortunately my hubby & our families are very pro-wait-as-long-as-possible-to-make-that-decision
Morgan recently posted..My Path to Minimalism
LMAO! That is so funny. Thank you for sharing this and making me chuckle!
It’s so interesting that you were relieved when Wayne felt ambivalent about the whole kids issue and left the ball in your court. I’m having the exact opposite problem! My husband Drew could also go either way on the whole subject. But my fear is that we’re both so wishy-washy that we might wind up straddling that damn fence forever! Part of me wishes that he felt strongly one way or the other, so the decision would be made. I know, SO not feminist-movement of me.
Liz @ MaybeBabyMaybeNot recently posted..Bad Reasons to Have a Baby
Hi Liz! OMG! I’m so excited you stopped by. I will bookmark your blog. Wishy washy is such a perfect word. I was that way more than Wayne. I think he just wanted me to make a decision. Time ended up making it for us. It’s not on our side anymore, and our bodies aren’t in prime baby making shape. Will I regret it in 10 or 20 years? I don’t know. I’ve never regretted it yet, or looked with longing at friends with kids. (Pity and relief that better them than me, but so far not regret.) Excited to follow your blog and your musings!
Just curious, what if you don’t want children and find yourself pregnant? Abortion and adoption are not options for reasons… Are there others out there in the same situation?
I have a friend in this predicament and trying to find others or another blog similar to her circumstances… Thanks for helping me, if you can.
Cristie, if neither abortion nor adoption are options, then there is only one option and that’s to become the very best mom she can be, even though that’s not how she intended her life to be. This baby was meant to be here. I believe very much in things happening for a reason, and I firmly believe that she may never know why she’s supposed to be a mom or have this child, but that’s what’s happening. Hopefully she can see it as a blessing rather than a curse and appreciate the new life that is coming in to hers. I sure wish her well, and I can imagine the dilemma she’s in. I hope she’ll be okay. I wish her the best.