My mom used to get so infuriated with my “playing house” (as she used to call it). I remember on one of her visits to Jacksonville after we’d bought our house there she said to me, “This shit has got to stop. You’ve got to get your ass back to work.”
I don’t remember what my exact response was. I’m sure it was pretty hot, as my mom had a way of sparking my temper like no one else ever has. Especially back in the day when she was in her prime, before the cancer and dementia stole her fire.
My mom had been a feminist before I think there was even a word for it. Okay, so probably the word was around, but the movement hadn’t begun in earnest until she was in her late 30s.
But let me tell you, she was not going to settle for being any man’s wife. Even if my dad had ended up earning more than her (which he didn’t; once she outpaced him on income it was all over for their marriage), she wouldn’t have been comfortable as a kept woman. I think she thought she wanted a life of leisure sometimes. But mostly she wanted to play with the boys. She had an interest in business and truly enjoyed working.
When I worked outside of the home I had jobs I enjoyed. I really liked when my high school internship led to a summer job at the U.S. Courthouse my junior year. I also enjoyed the summer freshman year of college when I worked in a dry cleaners. And I did enjoy my three years at Snell & Wilmer as both a document clerk and later when I got promoted to a paralegal.
But there are times I’ve felt I was born out of my time. My mom wanted me to become a businesswoman. I always thought it’d be nice to live in the old days when my grandma was a young woman and there was no expectations about working outside of the home and being somebody.
I remember saying that to my mom once when she was preaching about how I was going to go to college, get a degree, get a good job, and be a productive woman. Oh man, did she come unglued. There was no fate she could imagine worse than either of her daughter’s ending up like her mother, nothing but a housewife.
And pursuing my writing? That’s the kicker. She never supported that.
She expected me to go to college and get a degree, but not in creative writing or journalism. Even though I’d been writing stories from the time I could write words. Not even when it became clear I’d never get into U of A’s business program because I couldn’t pass Accounting 101 (I kept dropping it because I couldn’t keep my focus on it) and I flat out failed Economics 101. (I needed both courses to get into the business school.)
So I became a Communications major. At least I got to write a bunch of papers. (Which I happened to love.) And my mom felt I’d be able to use that somewhere in the real world.
What a disappointment I was when Wayne gave me the chance to stay home and I took it. I wish I could apologize for it, but it was never my dream to be anything except comfortable in my own skin. I never aspired to be a great business leader.
Sorry, Mom, and all you other feminists who feel I’ve let womankind down with my choice.
I can’t tell you how much I enjoy reading these
(almost as much as I look forward to your Christmas letter each year)… I notice you didn’t mention that place “we worked at”… LOL, not worth mentioning in public anyway!
Anyway, you are an awesome writer, you truly found your calling and are doing what you love! Hard to be a mom and imagine your mom being disappointed with the woman you have become – even though I’m not much older than you, I’ve watched you grow, and I don’t care if it sounds like a cliche… I’M PROUD OF YOU. I knew you almost 20 years ago, and I can say, you are just as awesome, if not more so, now.
You keep on goin girl!
The problem some feminists have with your choice is how you make it sound like being wife is an occupation, and not a very prestigious one. As you say, you’re “just” a wife.
The truth is, you’re a professional writer. That is your “job.” You’re also a wife, which is a lifestyle choice you’ve made in your romantic relationship. But do you think that being a wife is a job? If so, what are a wife’s duties? What is the compensation? And if a man did those same duties, would that make him a wife?
I’m more of an equalist. I want everyone to have access to the same opportunities. Then, it’s up to the individual to make choices that suit his/her lifestyle. Who am I to judge those choices, just because they’re different from mine?
Tracie: OMG! What a freaking awesome comment. Blushing…and laughing. I didn’t name that one place because that job sucked. The ONLY thing that was awesome about it was YOU! You cracked me up then and you can still get me howling to this day. Thanks for the support.
Jade: I have to correct you, I never actually say “just a wife.” And I’m not sure where I implied it’s not prestigious. My mom felt that way. I don’t see aything wrong with it. That’s why I said “just.” Because if anything I get the sense feminists feel it’s not prestigious. I certainly don’t!
But you did point out something interesting…something I didn’t know I did but you have mentioned it before and are again here and I see what you mean: I do present it that being a wife is a job. I think I do actually feel that way…tho I never realized it until now.
But I also believe in the equality you speak of. If anything the true perspective I have of my marriage is that we’re a team. Sometimes he’s the coach. Sometimes I am. Sometimes we have to put him into play because of his strengths, sometimes I go up to bat. We take turns performing the different jobs reqjuire to keep our marriage humming.
So..interesting. Thanks for pointing that out!
Though we experience our marriages in very different ways, we both look at it as a team situation. Isn’t that fascinating? *smile*
I personally don’t see wifedom as a job, though I know that’s a traditional point of view. In my mind, marriage is a partnership, not an occupation. And my definition of wife falls in line with that: partner, best friend, lover. It doesn’t have anything to do with housekeeping or cooking or motherhood, etc. What is your definition of a wife?
Oh boy. There you go again. You’ve worked your Muse Magic. I’ll work up another post to answer this better because you really got me thinking. GREAT question!
[...] asked the question in my last post “What’s wrong with wanting to be just a wife?” which sparked some interesting comments. First from my friend Tracie, and then from my [...]
[...] trying to tell me for years now that I’m more than “just” a wife. In fact, on one of my first SAHW posts she pointed out my use of the word “just” and questioned why I’d put it that [...]