THE PORT COMES OUT

Today was a big day: I got my port out!

You only get the go ahead to do that when you’re done with treatments and all looks well. (As in there’s no reason to believe you’ll be needing anymore chemo any time soon.)

So, that’s a relief. I was worried about getting it out because when they put it in they ran the IV through my hand. I did not like that one bit.

Now, to be fair, that was also back during my needle freak out phobia phase. However, I’ve pretty much conquered that thanks to Chemo, my day-after-chemo belly shots, all the blood draws, IVs for CT scans…yeah, I don’t get that lightheaded-sweaty-tummy erupting-wanting to throw up-then having explosive diarrhea knee-jerk reaction I used to endure when faced with needles and shots. I’m past all that. I don’t even get myself stirred up days ahead of time thinking how I’ll have to do a blood draw or whatever.

But the thought of that IV in my hand again? Wasn’t sitting well with me. I have been thinking and worrying about how I can get myself through it.

Turns out, all I needed to do was ask if they could do the IV in my arm. There was no need to do it in my hand. Excellent.

Best of all Ken and Linda (he works in radiology and assisted with my lung biopsy, my port insertion, and today he did the removal; she’s the nurse anesthetists) were there. They are so nice and I feel completely comfortable with them. I was happy they got a chance to see me now. I first met them during my 5 day stay as I was learning I had cancer and was in that excruciating, debilitating pain. Then compared to now…I’m a very different person.

After the port was out, I saw images of my chest on screen. I asked if the blob I could see near my heart was what was left of my tumor. They call what’s left scar tissue. Yep, you can still see it.

Then I mentioned how I’d never even seen the other image. The one with the tumor.

“You want to see it? We can show you.”

I said I’d like to. I was absolutely stunned when I did.

THAT IS NOT GRAPEFRUIT-SIZED

The ER doc who admitted me to the hospital was the first one to describe my tumor as “grapefruit-sized.” So…that’s kind of the image I had and how I always described it to others.

I always thought it was kind of odd no one had ever shown me x-rays of my tumor. When I’d found the cyst in my breast they showed me that. But you know what? I think Spirit and my Angels had my best interest in mind.

My tumor was not the size or shape of a grapefruit. It was a mass that really had no shape. But it was the size of my lung…if my lung was all blown up and distorted. Basically, the entire left side of my chest was consumed with cancer.

It is a very good thing I didn’t see that image beforehand. I’m not sure I would have kept my positive spirit. I’m not sure I would have considered it a hitchhiker. I’m not sure I would have had all the optimism I had that I would be fine. Those times I felt hopeless and scared would definitely have been magnified. And a lot more prevalent.

I asked Wayne at dinner tonight, “Did you ever see it? Did anyone ever tell you maybe I shouldn’t see the x-ray? That it’d be better for my mental health if I didn’t?” (I’ve always had my suspicions about that, because every time I asked to see the x-rays there always seemed to be some excuse why I couldn’t right then.)

Anyway, Wayne kind of looked away and said, “No, but Dr. Thomas (she was the hospital doctor) did pull me aside and say it wasn’t good. That you had a very serious tumor, we had a rough road ahead of us and that you were going to need me more than ever. That my main job was going to be keeping you up to get you through it.”

I’m not sure he’s being entirely honest. I still think he saw it, knew how big it really was, but never told me to shelter me from it. If so, this is one of those times when I not only forgive him for lying to me, but love him for it.

Because in the end he did get me through it. And so did my doctors and nurses. And so did friends and loved ones and all their prayers. And so did Spirit and my Angels. They knew that seeing the x-rays back then would not have behooved me.

But finally seeing it today? Holy crumb. I feel absolutely humbled that the chemo, radiation and prayers all worked to shrink that mass and get me well again.

I always have a lot of be thankful for at Thanksgiving and the whole year through, but this year? Wow. Miracles top my list!

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When I first signed on with PublishAmerica back in 2004, I did so with my eyes wide open. I read all the chatter about how bad they were. How they were a POD/vanity publisher. How they didn’t have much in the way of submission standards and would take any old author, just look at the experiment those sci fi authors did. (Supposedly well established sci fi authors got together and threw together a crap book that PA accepted for publicatlion, even though it was ripe with all kinds of errors.)

I agreed they were POD…as in Print on Demand in the form of using that for their publishing method. But they never charged me a dime to produce my book, so they weren’t vanity. But, as people still do, they associate POD automatically with vanity.

However, I decided to take my chances. I looked at it as a learning experience.

Here’s what I learned:

1. The importance of editing. PA had a sort of editing process, but, no, it was neither very good nor very elaborate. I was assigned an editor, but they didn’t do much in the way of editing my work. When Beneath the Morvan Moon was released, there were at least five errors of various proportions (mostly typos or left out words) that readers pointed out to me. One or two I see even in the big New York publisher books. Five was too many.
2. The importance of price point. The price was too high. Upon release PA offered special pricing, $18.95. For a trade paperback book that was 80,000 words long (250 pages), that was about $4 higher than what most trade paperbacks were going for. But the $18.95 was a special price. It was a new release discounted price from the real price of $21.95. Well, that’s just ridiculous but…
3. I’m my own worst enemy. I learned I could talk myself into believing my book would be different. Somehow it’d become a hit, I could negotiate with them to lower the price, and I’d work my butt off to sell, sell, sell. Well, that all sounds nice, but what it boiled down to was I wasn’t being realistic. I talked myself into believing something other than the facts that were at hand. Which was PA’s pricing stunk and…
4. Publisher’s have reps –some better than others. If a publisher isn’t listed with Ingram or Baker & Taylor, or they don’t accept returns, booksellers don’t take the author seriously. When I first published PA didn’t accept returns. It’s hard enough for a first time author with an independent press to get bookstores to agree to a signing, but PA made it even harder.Which leads to my next revelation…
5. Promotion! The harder an author has to work doing promotion, the less time it leaves for the writing. I fully understand that I have to do some face time when marketing and promoting my own book. But when I have to spin my wheels finding all sorts of other avenues to do that because regular avenues are closed down to me…it wastes a lot of valuable time.
6. Back to the importance of price point. But the number one thing truly is the book’s price point. Not only did PA’s stink, but their pricing methodolgy didn’t make an iota of sense. Instead of lowering my book’s price after 4 years and way slow (okay, void) sales, PA ended up raising my book’s price from the ridiculous amount of $21.95 to the completely ludicrous amount of $27.95. Come on, for a trade paperback? Who the hell is going to buy that?
7. Integrity with royalities. Not that I’d made much in the way of royalties (thanks in part to their crap pricing), I’d had no trouble with receiving royalties statements. Even when I’d sold no books, I got my statements on time telling me as much. But last year I attended Southern Festival of Books and the organizers ordered a bunch of copies. I never saw a royalty check from that. However, almost a year later I received a royalty statement saying I owed $30 for the return of my books. I called PA immediately to cry foul. “How can you ding me when you never paid me to begin with?” No response. I emailed and asked the same thing, “Hey, you’re trying to say I owe you $30 but you never paid me that to start with! What’s up?” Again, no response. So I learned that, yes, PA is pretty shitty about screwing authors out of royalties if they find a way to do it.
8. A lesson in desperation. The number one thing I learned is I’ll never get desperate enough to use PA ever again. Their products are way too overpriced for the marketplace. They know how much they expect each author to sell to friends and relatives to make a profit. And if you happen to sell beyond that and have a hit on your hands, great! They’ll do even better. But overall their concept plays on author emotions and on the kindheartedness and support of friends and loved ones to buy an author’s book.

Overall it was an excellent learning process. However, I hope to find a different publisher for one of my next books and have a better, more positive learning experience!

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Today the weather turned November-ish again. (It had been 70s and sunny skies –a.k.a Beautiful!)

But today it’s overcast, 50s, and with the leaves past-peak, well…the landscape has that late fall/early winter kind of feel to it. Which makes it a perfect day for chili!

I was not a chili person until I started cooking for Wayne. Over the years we’ve tweaked this recipe to suit his penchant for all things hot and spicy –or caliente.

I like it because not only is it yummy, it’s easy, cheap, and only uses 1 pot!

INGREDIENTS

1. 1 tablespoon oil
2. 1 (or 1 1/4) pound ground sirloin
3. 1 can tomato juice (a 32 or 46 ounce can that is)
4. 1 can dark red kidney beans, rinsed
5. 1 can white kidney (Cannellini) beans, rinsed
6. 1 can chopped green chilis
7. 1 bunch green onions, chopped
8. Red pepper flakes, to taste
9. Toppings: cheese and sour cream (optional)

DIRECTIONS

1. On the stove, heat oil in a Dutch oven. (Or other pot large enough to hold all the ingredients.)
2. Add ground sirloin. Season to taste. Cook through.
3. Once the ground sirloin’s cooked, add the tomato juice.
4. Add the rinsed beans, green chilis, green onion, and red pepper flakes. (I probably add about two teaspoons worth. That’s plenty hot for me, but Wayne often adds more in his own bowl! That man of mine likes his food good and spicy!).
5. Let simmer about 10-15 minutes.
6. Serve, add toppings (I’m of course all about the cheese and sour cream; Wayne likes his chili straight), and enjoy!

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I love to walk, but ever since we moved to Nashville in 2005 I haven’t been walking as much. The hills in our neighborhood deter me.

EXCUSES, EXCUSES

However, there are lots of parks around with flat paths. Trouble is, then it requires getting in the car and going somewhere…any excuse to get out of exercising (even walking which I enjoy doing), I’ll use it!

Although, that’s not being fair to myself. I love taking my dog Murphy for a walk. But in August 2008 he busted up his leg and needed a major surgery. He’s just now recovered enough from that so we can do mini-walks again. (Meaning about a mile, whereas we would do 2-3 miles easy…even a couple of times a day.)

But to go by myself…boring. Plus, then I’m in my own head. Dangerous. I either stew about some perceived injustice done to me, or end up plotting 40 different things to do with my writing, my blog, my life in general…basically, I overwhelm myself with good intentions!

However, as the weight’s crept back on after chemo…first to 165, then 170, then 175, now over 180 again (even though I tried desperately to maintain!), I know I have to do something. Walking has always helped in the past. And music…that used to keep me company on my 4 and 5 milers back in Jax.

Then at some point my little MP3 broke and I just never got around to replacing it.

AN IDEA IS BORN…

But I bought one for Wayne for his birthday back in September. An RCA Pearl. He didn’t like it. It’s small, but his old one, which he adored, was teeny tiny. Like only as long as his pinkie and not much wider. It was battery operated too. He didn’t want the recharge via the computer kind.

Well, I decided to keep his. But I only broke it out of the box this week. That’s when I discovered it’s battery operated too. And it has a handy built-in USB…no wires to keep straight!

Also, it said it was Audible.com ready, and it came with an offer for a free Audible.com audio book. (Which I only discovered once I opened the package.)  I had seen an ad on TV for Audible.com a few weeks back, and that’s when the idea started to form: something else I really enjoy listening to is audio books. In Jax I used to rent them from the library and listen while I did dishes, housework, tackled various painting projects (I was forever painting that house!)…it always made the time go faster and I really enjoyed experiencing the books that I rarely had time to actually read. What if I listened to books while I walked like my friend Nila does? How fun would that be?

BREAKING THE “BUT” CYCLE

Ah ha! “Fun.” Key word. If I like it, I do it. I make time for it. I end up losing weight effortlessly…

I also found that I really like walking in Lenox Village, which is a 3 minute drive from our house. (Before that, Owl Park was my top pick. Less than 10 minutes from home, flat path, nice park, but…the path’s only like .7 around so I have to do laps. Which is okay, but I’d rather see a change up in scenery. I could always walk in the neighborhood that borders the park too, but…that’s just it. I always came up with a “but.”)

However, not anymore. I’m determined to break my “but” cycle! Yesterday I finally took my MP3 out for a spin, with World War Z loaded on it. Or so I thought. I didn’t know how to load it up right apparently.

LOCKED AND LOADED

But after a few (yes, a few) hours today trying to figure it all out, World War Z is finally loaded properly. This afternoon I’ll head out for a walk in Lenox Village and see how it all goes. Hopefully as good as yesterday’s walk. I was frustrated I couldn’t get the audio book to play. I kept fiddling with it, then finally gave up and listened to the samples they had on already before changing to music. I ended up having a wonderful walk!

Now I’m eager to go and do it again today. Especially because it’ll help ease all the stress I’m feeling about my dad.

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I read an email this morning from my cousin Kim which floored me. She extended her sympathies about my dad being in the hospital again and was praying his surgery went well.

WTF?!?! What do you mean my dad is in the hospital again? How long has he been there and why am I only just learning of it now? And what surgery? What’s going on?

After a few phone calls, I finally got through to my aunt. She filled me in that he’s been in since Monday and is getting another defibrillator put in. This is his sixth in about a year. (Just a little under.) He’s had complication after complication with them, and now this one isn’t adequate because he only has one lead but he needs three.

And now I’ve finally heard from his girlfriend and gotten the whole skinny on everything, but…the fact remains this time his liver and kidneys were also starting to shut down. This operation is sort of a last ditch attempt to buy him more time, but really he’s on his way out. His body just isn’t going to take much more.

If it’s even up for taking the surgery today.

It’s very frustrating to live out of state and be kept in the dark. I know my dad’s intention was not to have me worry, but…this is worse. However, getting him to understand that is impossible. This is only the gazillionth time they’ve done it this way. (I find out from a 3rd party rather than a direct source.)

Now all I can do is hope for the best. And hope he knows I love him since, when he does it this way, I don’t get a chance to say that…just in case.

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I play volleyball on a women’s 4s team on Sunday afternoons in Franklin. The past couple of Sundays when I’ve driven home I’ve seen a sight that never fails to make me smile: hot air balloons.

I don’t know what there is about them. The colors? Something about them being one of the first flying inventions? I don’t know.

All I know is when I see one (or, as has been the case the past few Sundays, several) dotted against a bright blue, late afternoon, fall sky…wonderful.

I stopped to snap a few pics of one coming down very near Cool Springs Mall.

hot air balloon 1

The photo of the hot air balloon above was not the one coming down. I took this from my car while waiting for a red light.

The photos below are pics I snapped really quick while standing in the parking lot at Academy Sports.

hot air balloon 2

hot air balloon 3

hot air balloon 4

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Today was a big day: I got my first haircut since chemo made it all fall out back in January.

I wouldn’t say my hair was getting long, but it was definitely long enough to be unruly. Something needed to be done about it. Trouble was, I didn’t know if anything could be done.

But I stopped into Great Clips this afternoon and asked. I was desperate. I felt like I had werewolf head! (That’s what I had taken to calling my wild, curly strands that were going in all directions.)

The stylist did what stylists do…she styled me up!

The sides are shorter now, the back is trimmed, and the top is more even. It still doesn’t look great. (I’m not a short haircut person. Never have been. I look better with long hair and prefer long hair.) However, this feels much better now and looks more tame. Woohoo!

She said now all I can do is just let it grow. Come back in two to four months for a style-touch up. Groovy!

I used the timer function on my camera to snap some photos of me with my new (very short again, but at least styled) do.

(The last one I snapped on a whim. I saw my reflection in my laptop screen and thought it looked cool, so…clickity click!)

do view 1

do view 2

do view 3

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Ever since Wayne gave me my first digital camera a couple Christmases back, I’ve gotten more and more interested in photography. I was interested even when I was using film, but I wasn’t very good at it. Heck, even with a digital camera I’m still not very good. I’m still learning how to work the darn camera!

But I am experimenting more with lighting, subjects, composition…probably all the basics most amateur photographers start out fiddling with. My favorite subjects are definitely my pets. Then nature. I’m not too good at photographing people (yet, maybe this will change), but I always have my camera ready –if for nothing else to try and capture the spirit of the moment.

You’ll probably be seeing a lot of my experimentations here…

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The past few years I’ve really toyed with the idea of doing NaNoWriMo. Lots of writers I either know or follow do it.

Take for instance Lisa Logan (whose blog is Writing in My Wildest Dreams.) One of her recent posts is about how she’s participating in NaNoWriMo again this year. It’s her fourth year. The projects she did in the previous three years all have been published or are under contract. (She shares some great tips for how to successfully cross the finish-line, btw.)

Her post was really inspiring and motivating. I’d love to do it and be like Lisa, but November sucks for me to dedicate time to just my fiction. Not with Thanksgiving in there. But this year I thought, “Even with Thanksgiving I can do it! Or at least I can try. I’ve been wanting to for so long now!”

Last year I vowed to…but that’s when I was starting to go downhill from what I’d later learn was the cancer ravaging me. I was lucky to accomplish much of anything back then.

The November before (2007) Wayne was in the process of moving home after a five month separation. (We were separated because he’d taken a job in Florida and we were planning to move. I’d stayed behind to sell the house.) The last thing I wanted to do was take any more time away from my marriage. I was too happy to have him home and not have the stress of constantly keeping the house clean weighing me down!

But this year, ever since September, I’ve been thinking about NaNoWriMo. Which of the many book ideas I have would I pick to be my NaNoWriMo project?

That was part of the problem. I couldn’t decide. And then Wayne informed me he has two weeks off and he’s going to be taking vacation, where do I want to go? Plus there’s Thanksgiving, and I have to get my port out…well, that cinched it. I know what happens when I’m interrupted too much. I meltdown and don’t write. The last thing I need is to start another book and get pulled away from it and leave it hanging.

So, I’ve decided while I’m officially not doing NaNoWriMo this year, I am going to use the time I do have to finish one of the books I have started.

Here it is November 3rd though and I’m still trying to figure out which book to concentrate on! Shadyside (a horror), The Girl of His Dreams (a romance), The Dungeness Curse (a paranormal romance), Dot’s Girls (women’s fiction), The Painting Circle (women’s fiction), or A Past Life Love Story (romance/women’s fiction)…decisions, decisions.

Maybe I’ll figure it out tomorrow!

If you’re doing NaNoWriMo, I wish you speedy fingers and strong cups of coffee or tea!

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A Day in the Life

Last night on Channel 5 News I happened to catch a story about a billboard on Hillsboro Road for Secular Life.  I think it was on Hillsboro Road at least. I’m not 100% positive about that part.

At any rate it says something about “Got God?” or “Don’t got God?” I guess it’s upset some people who do believe in God because this is a group for those who don’t –but who would like the fellowship, encouragement, inspiration, and community service opportunities like churches provide.

One person they interviewed was irate about it. He made it clear that people who don’t believe in God and go to traditional church are bad. It’s people like us that are what’s wrong with the world today.

I was curious to hear more, because I fit into the Secular Life mindset. But sometimes people like that can be just as nutty as the uber religious people.

But then they interviewed Secular Life’s founder, a man named Thaddeus. The first thing he made perfectly clear was Secular Life doesn’t bash other beliefs. That’s not their purpose. Their billboard is not meant to upset people, but to draw in others who believe the same way –or perhaps don’t believe in traditional ways.

He seemed very calm, very level headed, but what caught my attention most was his emphasis on being positive. He wanted to create an atmosphere where other like-minded people could come to be inspired and encouraged. They have no interest in putting down other religions, and his response to the critics (the religious people who find the idea of such a group offensive) was, “It is not my intent to offend you.” He just wanted to give people who don’t feel comfortable with traditional religion a place to meet with others who want to live well, create a better world, share knowledge and give and get support, encouragement, and inspiration.

Cool!

I always thought a group like this should exist, a group for non-God people. I was so excited to find one, but never expected to find it in Nashville. As the irate man interviewed last night said, “Groups like this are going to be hard-pressed to find members in the Bible belt.”

Perhaps…but Secular Life’s membership just grew by one today!

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