When I heard I had cancer, having it freaked me out. I’d heard tales of people throwing up the second they received bad news, but I’d never done it myself –until Diagnosis Day (a.k.a. D-Day.)
And since I’d just lost my mom to lung cancer five months earlier, and was well aware the tumor in my chest was gynormous, I figured I’d most likely be a goner too.
After all, I was having to do some of the same stuff I’d just gone through with my mom as her caretaker. The being out of breath. The coughing so hard I was spitting up mucus and blood. Needing breathing treatments every four hours.
That’s what scared me the most. Visiting her in the hospice. Waiting and watching to see if she was any worse today, any nearer to the inevitable end we knew was coming, and seeing all those other people and their loved ones going through the same thing…waiting for the goodbye they both dreaded and welcomed. (Because there comes a point you wish the end would hurry up. You just don’t want to see your loved one suffering anymore.)
Confronting the idea of death at only 38 was frightening enough. It didn’t seem fair. I hadn’t got to do so many of the things I’d wanted. I never finished my other books yet. I hadn’t gone to France. I’d never gotten to use a bidet. And really? The last year of my life I had to remember was caring for my mom and fighting with my sister? I know Life’s not fair, but what a crappy way to end it all with all that toxic mess as my finale.
But what scared me most was the deterioration I knew was coming. I’d seen it. I didn’t want to go out that way.
The only good thing about it is I’d have a little time to say goodbye. To tell all the people I loved and who had influenced me during my life how much they mattered to me.
But the getting sicker and sicker part before the end came? I didn’t want to go out like that. I didn’t want my last days on Earth with Wayne to be spent like that.
Although, now I’ve come to realize I’d do what I did when I found out I had cancer: I’d let myself freak, then I’d embrace my reality. If that’s how I’m meant to go out, not much I can do about it –except find the blessings and make the most of them with whatever time I was given.
