I had a hard time coming up with a title for this one. The one I picked had me thinking, “Are friends who sometimes put me down even really friends?”
Because sometimes they’re not even technically friends so much so as they are close acquaintances. Also, they don’t always do it. (Then they really wouldn’t be friends.) Sometimes they do it in very subtle, sneaky ways. And sometimes I wonder if they’re even aware they’re doing it at all. (Usually it’s pretty obvious they are.)
And what is it they’re doing exactly? Being judgmental mostly. Jealous sometimes. Copping a superiority complex others. Mostly they’re letting their insecurities show, though.
Not all my friends do it. Actually, the majority don’t. For the most part I’m surrounded by many warm, supportive and encouraging friends. Yet, for all of their positivity, I of course have to dwell on the offenses of a couple bad apples. (Which makes me mad at myself. I shouldn’t do that!)
The thing is, I don’t know how much it happens to other people. It doesn’t seem like it happens to Wayne all that much. But for some reason it feels like I inspire it in people.
Like at volleyball. I’m not that good of a player. But I’m not that bad either. I’m decent. I know what to do. The trouble is I don’t always move my body to get it done.
But some people feel the need to point out how they’re better. (When in fact they’re either only a smidge higher than my skill level or about that same.) If they can get on another team, they’ll do it. Especially if they perceive that team to have better players. Man, if I’m on an opposing team and something like that has happened? Funny how much better I play all of a sudden. (And oh what a feeling if my team pulls out the win!)
Anyway, that’s just annoying. And kind of “survival of the fittest” in action. I usually don’t let my feathers get too ruffled about that sort of thing. (Usually. If it happens at the wrong time of the month…not fun.)
However, I do get miffed when other writer pals put me down. I have this one friend who’s a new writer. (In the scheme of things. She really doesn’t know that much about publishing, publishing houses, or even really about the craft in general. Not that I’m an expert. Far from it. But I admit I’m still learning. Also, I’m a bit beyond the novice range. I know more than I realize, especially when I’m talking to her and hooking her up with links that can answer some of her questions.)
Anyway…she feels because she’s had a couple of things published online (short stories) she’s a pro…and is full of advice and criticism. She refuses to acknowledge I have a personal website with lists of all the awards and credits I’ve racked up over the years. She has it in her head I’m a newbie and she’s the veteran.
The other day she said something about being curious about my style. I told her to buy my book. (It’s not a good representation of it now, though. That was a freshman effort. My next projects show I’m maturing. Trouble is, they’re not anywhere I can tell her to go buy them.)
The other night I got really torqued when she said someone else was better than me. Someone who has NOTHING published and when I read what she was comparing against mine (that was forwarded to me), I KNEW she was jealous and doing the whole “blowing out my candle to try and make hers burn brighter” kind of thing.
In the real world, in a real situation, my writing would have annihilated the other persons. That’s not being conceited either. That’s just me knowing favorites were being played and an attempted put down had been leveled.
I got my justice when it came out that my manuscript had made it to the second round of the Amazon Breakthrough Novel contest. She didn’t like learning that too much.
Also, I remembered back to when I was first starting out. I used to get jealous of people for whatever reason and try to find things to pick apart about their writing.
Except, I never felt good afterwards. Tearing people down is not for me. It sure doesn’t build me up. I’m wondering if she’s just in a phase and will eventually, as she gets more credits to her own name, realize she doesn’t have to act like that.
And then there’s friends who want to drop comments about how we don’t have this or that, or they’d do something different from how we do it. Wayne and I will never have the newest, flashiest, hippest anything. It’s not how we roll.
Plus, as I was complaining to Wayne about a recent slight, he said, “Have them come talk to us in 20 years when we’re retired and they’re still banging their heads against the walls trying to pay for all their stuff.”
That comforted me at first. Until I realized, “Hey, isn’t me judging them and thinking I’m better because of how we save money the same as what they’re trying to do to me by giving me a hard time about not spending more?”
So…in the end I just have to remember something Joel Osteen preaches: about how you just keep the faith and do what you do and in the end you’ll be vindicated. (He has some clever way of putting it. I can’t remember it. I only remember the gist of it.)
Which is basically to let go and trust that the Universe has a funny way of making things right.
And you know what? Every time I’ve relaxed and had faith that no one could tarnish my star, that they could try but in the end others will see it shining as bright as it’s supposed to and will respond accordingly, I’ve come out better than okay.
I’m trying to develop a mantra to help remind me of that when it happens. And also that it’s not my problem, it’s the other persons. And really it’s a compliment, because little old me had them feeling threatened and less than somehow. To use a Mr. T expression, “I pity the fool!”
