I’ve never been much of a girly-girl. In Jr. high and high school I probably spent the most time experimenting with makeup and doing my hair. (Good Lord did I spend the time doing my hair in high school! ’80s hair. BIG. ‘Nuff said!)

But I never really knew what I was doing. As I got older and ventured into the workforce, I realized cutting out certain vanity primping routines would result in more sleeping in time. (8 a.m. start times and me never did jive very well.)

But in my early 30s I noticed my skin changing. I got these weirdo dark spots on my cheeks. Likely spending all weekend every weekend at the beach when we lived in Jax didn’t help much.

I never really used foundation but I needed a way to even out my skin tone so…I started experimenting with makeup again. (Before that, I was a mascara and lipstick only kind a girl. Eye shadow and blush for special events.)

So I’ve spent the last several years looking for a makeup (meaning foundation) I like.

I found out fast if it’s in a bottle and I have to put it on, I don’t like it. But I’m not too keen on powders either.

Revlon has a creamy kind of one that comes in a compact I like. However, when  the Bare Minerals craze hit, I bit. Sort of.

Bare Minerals was far too expensive for me. I was not about to fork out that kind of money on makeup.

So I went with some store brand knock-off. I was not impressed. That stuff gets all over the place! And on my face? Blech. I don’t like the way it feels, and I really don’t like the way it wears on my skin.

I have friends who swear by it. They’re faces look great. One time I even asked a neighbor for tips. Maybe I was doing something wrong.

Nope. She applied her makeup the same way as I did…but with better results. (Both on her face and not as much clean up afterwards. I swear, all the sink needs is a little lipstick and some perfume and it’d look better than me after I get done trying to get mineral makeup on.)

The other day I needed some more makeup because my Revlon one was about out. I decided to try some Cover Girl Simply Ageless stuff. Not bad. I think I picked too light a tone, but guess what I found makes it work?

Swiping on some bronzing mineral makeup I still had laying around, followed by a touch of the finishing powder.

So that’s the secret…a creamier based foundation followed by the mineral stuff. Well, at least now I know!

Did you ever read Stephen King’s IT? Or did you see the movie?

Although, it’s been a while since I saw the movie I don’t remember if the grate scene from the book was in it –or if it was as potently scary as what was written in the book.

I was a sophomore in college when I first tried to read IT. I made it through maybe the first 100 pages before I had to put it down. It just got to me too much.

And for the longest time I wouldn’t walk anywhere near a grate. They just creeped me out! (Thank heavens King didn’t write a Psycho-like shower scene in any of his books. I would have been one stinky girl!)

Anyway, I eventually got over my fear of skirting grates. Which is a good thing because the last two neighborhoods we’ve lived in have had grates galore. And what’s among my dog’s top fave things to do? Inspect them!

But usually it’s just a curious sniff. Poke the ol’ nose down the drain to get a whiff of what’s what.

Last night, however, he was captivated by one of the grates up the street. He rushed down a neighbor’s lawn to poke his nose all over it. And I couldn’t get him to move on. Then he started whimpering.

That’s when I thought of IT and that freaky flipping clown.

Then I thought of a post Autumnforest recently wrote about what would you do in certain horror movie situations. I had left a comment about certain movies I’d thought about what I’d do in. IT wasn’t one of them.

But standing at that grate watching Murph whine and cock his head, my heart started pounding.

Hopefully, I asked him, “What is it, pup? Something stuck down there?”

But in the back of my mind I was thinking, “Please don’t let it be a clown! Please don’t let it be a clown!”

Anyway, he finally let me pull him away from the grate. But only a few houses up he got his leash all tangled around a fire hydrant –and then somehow stuck in one of the chain links on the side of it.

Of course it’s dark and cold. I’m juggling his leash, the flashlight, and the poop sack. I finally wised up and dropped the poop sack because I quickly realized it wasn’t going to be a matter of simply yanking the leash back out. Oh no, it was all tangled and twisted and snagged in the chain link.

So he’s standing there waiting for me to unsnag him, but it’s taking me forever, and he starts whining –as he’s looking in the direction of the grate I had such a hard time prying him away from.

So I start thinking what I’d do if something came out of that grate. I have nothing to cut Murph’s leash loose with. I’d have to unhook him and hope he’d run with me.

But then I started thinking, “What if something came up out of the drain and grabbed him?”

My very first thought was, clown or not, I’d come at it with the fight of a rabid wildcat.

Sadly, our other dog, Budly, was attacked once. So was my first dog, Mackie. (But not by clowns!) It was just other dogs, but I never hesitated putting myself between the attacking dogs and my own.

And when a weirdo homeless guy tried to steal people’s keys and wallets at the Hooters where we play volleyball one day? My first reaction was to jump up and yell at him, “No! Uh huh. Put that shit down, pal!” as I got in his face.

So that’s what I did. It was instinctive. I didn’t even think. I just acted.

It always surprises people when they see my healthy fight or flight instinct in action. I can certainly be uncannily bold at times.

But get me near a haunted house with masks and chainsaws? Fuggedaboudit! That’s all flight reaction, baby. Then people can’t even believe how fast I can haul butt and leave them in my dust!

So I guess the moral of this story is poor Murph would’ve been doomed if anything came out of the grate with a chainsaw!

What has the world come to that any bad thing that happens almost immediately spawns a conspiracy theory? And how is it I’m married to a paranoid conspiracy theorist?

9/11 CONSPIRACY THEORY

I’ll never forget my shock when, after I spent the whole day glued to the tube on September 11, 2001, Wayne came home, watched for half an hour (he’d heard about it but hadn’t seen any of the footage yet), and came out of his semi-catatonic state (which was a reaction I expected) to announce, “This all seems a bit strange. Too concocted. It’s funny Bush gets in office and then this happens. Seems like a great excuse for us to get back to Iraq.”

“What?” I asked stunned. “You’re crazy. Four planes just got hijacked by terrorists. What does this have to do with Bush or Iraq?”

Yet, that’s what happened. Even though Iraq didn’t directly have anything to do with 9/11, we did end up back over there –using 9/11 semi-indirectly as a means of getting there. And the conspiracy theorists have had a field day with 9/11 cover-up theories ever since.

So, even before he heard any of them, he’d already developed his own. That’s always kind of freaked me out. (Well, when he very first said something I thought I must be married to one of the most cynical men in the world. But now since some stuff has played out like how he predicted even back on 9/11/2001, I wonder if I’m not married to a genius.)

Which made his revelation this week first stun me, then give me pause, then freak me out.

HAARP AND HAITI

Given his history, I shouldn’t have been surprised when he started hypothesizing the earthquake in Haiti was part of some sort of conspiracy. But then he started talking about it involving HAARP and possibly Venezuela. (The last thing he needed was a show like Jesse Ventura’s Conspiracy Theory to fuel his imagination. The HAARP one especially bothered/intrigued him and he hasn’t stopped talking about it since.)

Still, hoping to maintain some semblance of rationale in our household, I responded, “You’re absolutely nuts. 9/11 I’ll give you. There might be some funny business there, because some of the stuff is suspicious. But purposely creating a massively devastating earthquake? I’m sorry, babe. It sounds ridiculous, but even if it’s not…I’m not sure I want to live in a world where people unleash that kind of destruction on purpose. That’s just plain frightening.”

“I know it sounds crazy, but check it out. I’m not the only one to think this. I’ll show you.”

Sure enough, he popped “Haiti conspiracy” into Google and tons of links came up. Including ones speculating HAARP is involved and “helping out” in Haiti gives the American armed forces closer access to Chavez in Venezuela.

Huh?

IMPLICATIONS

So I don’t know which freaks me out more…that he automatically begins to figure out who could benefit and why when disasters strike, or that there are others with the same line of thought.

Because if there are others thinking that, maybe there’s something to it. Especially if stream of consciousness and universal one-mindedness theories are accurate. Maybe Wayne and his conspiracy cohorts tuned in to the cosmic frequency that generated the initial thought, which then created the action,  in the first place.

Now that is some scary shit. (Pardon my French.)

MY THEORIES

However, Wayne inspired me to do some conspiracy theorizing of my own. Here’s what I came up with:

1. Now we know where Tiger Woods went and what he’s been up to. Wayne’s always a big believer in the “wave this hand to distract you from what the other one is doing” tactic. (He’s forever questioning why the media covers certain stories in depth. He always assumes they’re trying to divert our attention away from something else, something bigger.) Well, Tiger was the big story. And everybody wondered where he went. I think Tiger did the whole wave the hand thing. He needed a big story, and he knew HAARP could deliver so he stole away to Alaska and…BAM! Next thing you know there’s an earthquake in Haiti and no one’s talking about Tiger Woods anymore!
2. It is the start of the Zombie Apocalypse. Yesterday my friend Autumnforest wrote on her blog about a subject near and dear to my heart: Surviving a Zombie Attack. I think about zombies all the time. I’m always watching for signs a zombie apocalypse may be starting. What sort of thing would start that ball rolling? Some kind of disease most likely. What better place for the infection to begin but a place with voodoo and zombies already in its lore? Then add in the tragedy of all those dead bodies…. I’m just saying, I’d be super suspicious if the news starts running stories like “It’s a miracle! After 10 days survivors emerge from the rubble in Haiti!” I’ll be watching very closely for signs the “survivors” aren’t zombies!

Yes, call me crazy. At least I know I’m being nuts and ridiculous. (Sort of. I’ve got my Zombie Survival Guide, which Wayne teased me mercilessly about. But like I always tell him, “We’ll see who’s laughing when you’re coming to me for advice on surviving the zombies!)

Starting as early as late last week they were forecasting measurable snow for us here in Nashville today. Then all this week the chances for that happening were 90%.

What a disappointment to wake up this morning and not find the promised snow. (They were estimating between one to three inches. That’s not a lot, but for somewhere unaccustomed to getting much snow, it’s a big deal.)

However, schools shut down.

Ever since we moved in here 2005, every time there’s snow, even if it’s only a quarter inch, schools close.

The first winter that left us stumped. Both Wayne and I grew up in Denver. Both of us lived there through some pretty significant snow storms, and even a blizzard or three. Like any red-blooded American kid, we relished snow days. But do you think Denver Public Schools (DPS) granted them often? No, they did not. It had to be as near to blizzard conditions as you can get them before they’d even consider shutting things down.

But that’s Colorado where snow’s a part of winter life. Here, even though they have sand trucks and some snow plows, they’re really not equipped for true snowy winter weather.

Also, in 2003 there was a snow storm that set the “Declare a Snow Day at the Drop of a Flake” precedent. The snow didn’t start until kids were in school. It picked up fast and by the time they decided to let school out early, it was too late.

Too much snow had fallen and slicked up the roads. Buses –filled with kids– got stuck. Parents didn’t know where there children were. It took hours before some got home.

In short, I guess it turned into a nightmarish mess. No one wanted to repeat that mistake again. Better to be safe than sorry.

So, that’s why people rushed out in droves to grocery store last night. And that’s why school was canceled today.

Because, even though we woke up to only overcast skies, there was still a chance that, like in 2003, the snows could start later in the morning and become heavier.

It’s been spitting snow off and on most of the morning. For the past hour and a half it’s been picking up somewhat. Some is even now starting to stick to the sidewalks and powder the lawns. They say an inch is still possible.

All I know, snow days are good. But when we got snow days as a kid and actually had snow to go along with them, nothing beat a morning of sledding, snowball fighting, snow fort or snowman making, followed by a good cup of hot cocoa, a little rest, and then an afternoon of resumed outdoor fun.

Nashville kids don’t know what they’re truly missing!