What has the world come to that any bad thing that happens almost immediately spawns a conspiracy theory? And how is it I’m married to a paranoid conspiracy theorist?

9/11 CONSPIRACY THEORY

I’ll never forget my shock when, after I spent the whole day glued to the tube on September 11, 2001, Wayne came home, watched for half an hour (he’d heard about it but hadn’t seen any of the footage yet), and came out of his semi-catatonic state (which was a reaction I expected) to announce, “This all seems a bit strange. Too concocted. It’s funny Bush gets in office and then this happens. Seems like a great excuse for us to get back to Iraq.”

“What?” I asked stunned. “You’re crazy. Four planes just got hijacked by terrorists. What does this have to do with Bush or Iraq?”

Yet, that’s what happened. Even though Iraq didn’t directly have anything to do with 9/11, we did end up back over there –using 9/11 semi-indirectly as a means of getting there. And the conspiracy theorists have had a field day with 9/11 cover-up theories ever since.

So, even before he heard any of them, he’d already developed his own. That’s always kind of freaked me out. (Well, when he very first said something I thought I must be married to one of the most cynical men in the world. But now since some stuff has played out like how he predicted even back on 9/11/2001, I wonder if I’m not married to a genius.)

Which made his revelation this week first stun me, then give me pause, then freak me out.

HAARP AND HAITI

Given his history, I shouldn’t have been surprised when he started hypothesizing the earthquake in Haiti was part of some sort of conspiracy. But then he started talking about it involving HAARP and possibly Venezuela. (The last thing he needed was a show like Jesse Ventura’s Conspiracy Theory to fuel his imagination. The HAARP one especially bothered/intrigued him and he hasn’t stopped talking about it since.)

Still, hoping to maintain some semblance of rationale in our household, I responded, “You’re absolutely nuts. 9/11 I’ll give you. There might be some funny business there, because some of the stuff is suspicious. But purposely creating a massively devastating earthquake? I’m sorry, babe. It sounds ridiculous, but even if it’s not…I’m not sure I want to live in a world where people unleash that kind of destruction on purpose. That’s just plain frightening.”

“I know it sounds crazy, but check it out. I’m not the only one to think this. I’ll show you.”

Sure enough, he popped “Haiti conspiracy” into Google and tons of links came up. Including ones speculating HAARP is involved and “helping out” in Haiti gives the American armed forces closer access to Chavez in Venezuela.

Huh?

IMPLICATIONS

So I don’t know which freaks me out more…that he automatically begins to figure out who could benefit and why when disasters strike, or that there are others with the same line of thought.

Because if there are others thinking that, maybe there’s something to it. Especially if stream of consciousness and universal one-mindedness theories are accurate. Maybe Wayne and his conspiracy cohorts tuned in to the cosmic frequency that generated the initial thought, which then created the action,  in the first place.

Now that is some scary shit. (Pardon my French.)

MY THEORIES

However, Wayne inspired me to do some conspiracy theorizing of my own. Here’s what I came up with:

1. Now we know where Tiger Woods went and what he’s been up to. Wayne’s always a big believer in the “wave this hand to distract you from what the other one is doing” tactic. (He’s forever questioning why the media covers certain stories in depth. He always assumes they’re trying to divert our attention away from something else, something bigger.) Well, Tiger was the big story. And everybody wondered where he went. I think Tiger did the whole wave the hand thing. He needed a big story, and he knew HAARP could deliver so he stole away to Alaska and…BAM! Next thing you know there’s an earthquake in Haiti and no one’s talking about Tiger Woods anymore!
2. It is the start of the Zombie Apocalypse. Yesterday my friend Autumnforest wrote on her blog about a subject near and dear to my heart: Surviving a Zombie Attack. I think about zombies all the time. I’m always watching for signs a zombie apocalypse may be starting. What sort of thing would start that ball rolling? Some kind of disease most likely. What better place for the infection to begin but a place with voodoo and zombies already in its lore? Then add in the tragedy of all those dead bodies…. I’m just saying, I’d be super suspicious if the news starts running stories like “It’s a miracle! After 10 days survivors emerge from the rubble in Haiti!” I’ll be watching very closely for signs the “survivors” aren’t zombies!

Yes, call me crazy. At least I know I’m being nuts and ridiculous. (Sort of. I’ve got my Zombie Survival Guide, which Wayne teased me mercilessly about. But like I always tell him, “We’ll see who’s laughing when you’re coming to me for advice on surviving the zombies!)

I love to walk, but ever since we moved to Nashville in 2005 I haven’t been walking as much. The hills in our neighborhood deter me.

EXCUSES, EXCUSES

However, there are lots of parks around with flat paths. Trouble is, then it requires getting in the car and going somewhere…any excuse to get out of exercising (even walking which I enjoy doing), I’ll use it!

Although, that’s not being fair to myself. I love taking my dog Murphy for a walk. But in August 2008 he busted up his leg and needed a major surgery. He’s just now recovered enough from that so we can do mini-walks again. (Meaning about a mile, whereas we would do 2-3 miles easy…even a couple of times a day.)

But to go by myself…boring. Plus, then I’m in my own head. Dangerous. I either stew about some perceived injustice done to me, or end up plotting 40 different things to do with my writing, my blog, my life in general…basically, I overwhelm myself with good intentions!

However, as the weight’s crept back on after chemo…first to 165, then 170, then 175, now over 180 again (even though I tried desperately to maintain!), I know I have to do something. Walking has always helped in the past. And music…that used to keep me company on my 4 and 5 milers back in Jax.

Then at some point my little MP3 broke and I just never got around to replacing it.

AN IDEA IS BORN…

But I bought one for Wayne for his birthday back in September. An RCA Pearl. He didn’t like it. It’s small, but his old one, which he adored, was teeny tiny. Like only as long as his pinkie and not much wider. It was battery operated too. He didn’t want the recharge via the computer kind.

Well, I decided to keep his. But I only broke it out of the box this week. That’s when I discovered it’s battery operated too. And it has a handy built-in USB…no wires to keep straight!

Also, it said it was Audible.com ready, and it came with an offer for a free Audible.com audio book. (Which I only discovered once I opened the package.)  I had seen an ad on TV for Audible.com a few weeks back, and that’s when the idea started to form: something else I really enjoy listening to is audio books. In Jax I used to rent them from the library and listen while I did dishes, housework, tackled various painting projects (I was forever painting that house!)…it always made the time go faster and I really enjoyed experiencing the books that I rarely had time to actually read. What if I listened to books while I walked like my friend Nila does? How fun would that be?

BREAKING THE “BUT” CYCLE

Ah ha! “Fun.” Key word. If I like it, I do it. I make time for it. I end up losing weight effortlessly…

I also found that I really like walking in Lenox Village, which is a 3 minute drive from our house. (Before that, Owl Park was my top pick. Less than 10 minutes from home, flat path, nice park, but…the path’s only like .7 around so I have to do laps. Which is okay, but I’d rather see a change up in scenery. I could always walk in the neighborhood that borders the park too, but…that’s just it. I always came up with a “but.”)

However, not anymore. I’m determined to break my “but” cycle! Yesterday I finally took my MP3 out for a spin, with World War Z loaded on it. Or so I thought. I didn’t know how to load it up right apparently.

LOCKED AND LOADED

But after a few (yes, a few) hours today trying to figure it all out, World War Z is finally loaded properly. This afternoon I’ll head out for a walk in Lenox Village and see how it all goes. Hopefully as good as yesterday’s walk. I was frustrated I couldn’t get the audio book to play. I kept fiddling with it, then finally gave up and listened to the samples they had on already before changing to music. I ended up having a wonderful walk!

Now I’m eager to go and do it again today. Especially because it’ll help ease all the stress I’m feeling about my dad.