The weekend before last, I was texting with my friend Sheila about how heartbroken we were about the nursing homes in our areas that had come down with coronavirus cases.
In many cases they were already on lockdown and unable to see their loved ones. Coronavirus made it worse. Family members didn’t get the luxury of saying goodbye beforehand, or even seeing them one last time before their family member died.
But that seems to be the case for non-nursing home COVID-19 patients too. If you’ve been watching the news you’ve likely seen the accounts of heartbroken nurses in hard-hit New York hospitals explaining that patients are dying alone. Recovering too, but it’s the dying with no one there –no family members, no nurses or doctors– that is really getting to them.
Well, just seeing people die period is getting to them. How disheartening would that be?
But even the people who have it but are able to convalesce at home have to do it alone. For two weeks. Cordoned off in a room all by themselves.
Ugh.
Now, when I’m sick I prefer to be left alone, but not all alone. I enjoy when Tab or Tig comes to snuggle with me. Or when Wayne offers to bring me a drink or rewet a towel for my head (if I’m suffering with a fever).
I like to be on the couch watching TV with them as I drift in and out between naps.
It would be miserable to lose that and be stuck in one room for two weeks without hugs and snuggles from anyone, but particularly my cats. Tab is my snuggle baby. Even when I’m well, the positive energy that radiates off of her is amazing. But when I’m sick? It’s a magic tonic.
My only hope is that some of these people are too sick at the end to know. Because being in a hospital at all is one of my fears, but dying in one all alone added a new layer to that nightmare.
Which is wild because for the most part I don’t mind being alone.
When I had cancer there was only one night I minded being alone in the hospital after I was admitted: the last night I was there.
The other three were fine. The first one was maybe the best. Even though I was terrified and in excruciating pain, I also felt relieved for the first time in weeks. I didn’t have to try and act normal anymore. I really was sick. (I kept telling people, including my doctor, but no one would listen. Until my symptoms got so bad they finally ran tests and say, “Huh. Lookie there. She’s got a big old tumor in her chest. No wonder she keeps saying she doesn’t feel good.)
But that last night…I had thought I was being discharged that day. When I found out I wasn’t, I lost it. I bawled that whole night. (Well, I threw a tantrum first when I found out I wasn’t being discharged, then it simmered down to a cry-fest.)
I just wanted to be home. I wanted to see my kids. I wanted to sleep in my own bed.
There are ways around the social distancing to some extent. FaceTime. Texts. Zoom. Skype. Et cetera.
And thank goodness we live in a time when technology allows us to stay connected digitally like that. As much harm as it causes, in a time like this it also shows its benefits.
But there’s also something to be said about being around others and the power of human touch. To hug a friend hello. To embrace them in consolation through grief. To comfort them with a gentle touch when they’re not well. To hold the hand of a loved one as they take their last breaths.
I know in the end we all die alone, but somehow COVID-19 is making it all worse. Especially now if our pets could potentially contract it. Like many pet owners, I was NOT happy to hear tigers at the Bronx Zoo contracted it. Even less happy to hear that’s not the first case of a pet getting it. A dog in Hong Kong was the first indication they could get it too.
Fucking hell.
That’s how I end most sentences these days.
I don’t, however, feel like I’m living in a fucking hell. As long as I stay healthy, I’m quite enjoying the lack of commitments and rushing all around. We live in a flight path and not far from a busier road. I’m enjoying the extra quiet.
But, again, I’m healthy. I can hug my husband. Pet my cats. Go for walks. Fucking hell would be being sick in a room all by myself. Be it a hospital or home, where I couldn’t be with my family.
I hope you are staying well, healthy and sane. I promise not to focus on the sad news. I have better posts ahead planned.
Peace and love to you.