One thing not a lot of people know about me is that I’m sensitive. Not “psychic” per se, but very in-tune and empathetic.
It’s wild because I know when someone is reading a certain part of something I’ve written. It’s not always as strong with blog posts, but is crazy strong when it comes to my books. Maybe because I don’t spend as much time crafting blogs as I do books, which I invest my soul in.
I also often know without having to receive an acceptance or rejection letter whether something will be accepted or not. I can feel it being read…and judged. Which is not always a comfortable feeling, let me tell you.
Although I have to admit I wasn’t sure in the case of my most recent acceptance to The Feminine Macabre journal. I got conflicting signals so I wasn’t positive it’d get accepted but I had an inkling it would. (The book is out now and I must say the essays inside are as spectacular as the cover!)
Note: The above cover directs to my Amazon Affiliate account.
But it doesn’t just apply to writing. Another thing I sense is how people really feel about me.
Most people find me pleasant and agreeable enough, but not very interesting. My dearest friends really are dear and think I’m a sweet but nutty lovebug with a kind soul and creative spirit.
But they also know I’m stubborn and opinionated and God help anyone who makes me mad. These people are the ones I luckily click with the best, and they are very precious to me because their numbers are so few.
Then there are those who perplex me the most: the ones who are jealous of me.
It always surprises me when I start sensing that in someone, which always first registers as hostility and them feeling threatened by me.
Yes. Threatened. By me. It boggles my mind every time.
For one, I want so much to be witty and creative. Some days even I give myself kudos and say, “Nailed it!”
Most days, though, I’m just striving to live up to my own ideals.
Which is why it blows me away when people don’t like me for the very thing I’m striving so hard to achieve.
And maybe it’s not so much because I am witty or creative, but because I’m not afraid (most days) to try. To try new things, to be in pursuit of a flawsome life one imperfect moment at a time. To put myself out there.
That’s scary. And intimidating because who do I think I am doing that? How dare I? Especially because pretty much everybody takes one look at me, assumes I’m boringly sweet, dismisses me, doesn’t take me seriously, and doesn’t respect me.
So, yeah. I get it. How dare I, right?
Why it offends them, though, I don’t know. I think because they’re either not pursuing their own authentic selves and dreams or they’re expecting kudos because they have a big opinion of themselves and can’t understand why others don’t as well.
I’m still working on understanding all of that. All I know is I’ve had 50 years worth of feeling when it’s happening, so I’ve come to recognize when it does.
That’s why I’m sensing that I have a YouTube hater. Lately, someone has decided to give my Haunt Jaunts YouTube videoes thumbs down. Not all of them. Just here and there, but it happened again twice this week.
When it first started happening, it put me off for a second. Especially the very first time it happened, which was on the Eastern State Penitentiary’s online tour video. Even Wayne thought I did an exceptional job on it. He rarely gets excited about my videos, but that one he thought I’d done great on.
The first (and so far only) comment on it was glowing too, so at first seeing a thumbs down took my breath away.
But the next morning in the shower the little voice that is my Knowing whispered, “It was done out of malice by someone you know.”
Which hurt my heart for a moment, but now it thrills the mischievous part of me that revels in knowing I got under someone’s skin enough that they felt a need to lash out.
Because I sense it’s me, not my content, they’re trying to throw shade at.
Of course I’ve had posts get thumbs down before. I’m not a ding dong. I don’t expect to always get just thumbs up. It could be a coincidence and some stranger did it.
That’s fine too. To each his own. I’ve thumbs downed things too, but only when they’re really bad. If I simply don’t like it but it was well produced, I just leave it alone. I respect the effort and time its creator expended.
For instance, no sooner had I posted a Unicorn Day vid this morning than it got a thumbs down.
Could be my hater. My gut, however, tells me it’s someone who loves unicorns and did not appreciate my humor of having a creepy guy in a unicorn mask dancing around in honor of National Unicorn Day.
However, it is rare for my posts to get any reactions at all. The fact I’m getting thumbs down all of a sudden…well, it’s suspish.
I’m not sure who’s doing it, but I have my suspects. There are three people I’m leaning towards, but one in particular.
The ornery fighter in me wants to lash out and go on a thumbs down rampage of my own against their content.
However, the sage part of my soul has so far reigned in my little troublemaker with her gentle loving wisdom.
“All shall be well. It’s not worth spending your time or energy on. The Tennis Gods will make it right. Concern yourself with putting positive in the world.”
Ah, the Tennis Gods.
When I first started playing tennis, I’d get so upset when my opponents would make a wrong call. Sometimes you can’t help it. Bad calls happen.
However, some were done on purpose as part of a diabolical mind game. In the beginning, it would work on me too. I’d get so outraged and upset, my game would suffer.
Of course it did. This is what they wanted. To get under my skin. To divert my focus. To make it hard for me to concentrate.
Then something weird happened. I’m not sure when, why or how, but I started noticing a balance. An honest wrong call would be met with a subsequent point that would either justify it or rectify it.
Meaning, say my partner and I called a ball out that was in. Our opponents objected, but it’s our call. What we say goes.
Next point, maybe they hit a clean winner, or the wind kicked up and carried a ball in a funny direction out of the way of our swing. Or maybe we’d get a bad call later in the game.
There was never any telling how karma would show itself, but it always did.
I started telling myself, “The Tennis Gods will make it right,” whenever anything bad happened. It calmed me down and helped me maintain my composure and, most importantly, keep my focus.
And I’ll tell you, there’s nothing more formidable, be it on the court or in life, than an unflappable opponent.
Which is why whenever upsets even off the court happen I tell myself (or Wayne, if he’s getting worked up about an injustice): “It’s okay. The Tennis Gods will make it right.”
Like if someone cuts us off in traffic. What happens? You’d be surprised how often they get cut off in return, or stopped at a light, or stuck behind a slow driver.
Which proves my other favorite saying, “You get what you give.”
And that’s the other reason I won’t lash out.
Well, that and because I’d have to waste my time spreading negativity on three YouTubes because I’m not positive which of my three suspects is doing it…or if it even is any of the three I have in mind. So I could rain on their parades for no reason, when at the end of the day maybe I really am producing sucky content.
But I also won’t waste my energy because that’ll come back to me. Hot and heavy, of that I’m sure.
So nope. Pass.
As Taylor Swift sings, “And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.”
But, baby, “I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake” it off and keep doing my thang.
Even if it is thumbs down sucky. It makes me happy to create. I also believe those who “get it” will find me eventually too.
But that’s a post for another time.