Trying to Navigate a Sea of Stress Amid Waves of Uncertainty

At this point, I’m just trying to survive 2024. It’s been a real stress-inducing pisser, even though I had such high hopes for this year.

But why did I have such high hopes? I can’t even remember. Maybe it was because I was no longer depressed and languishing like I had been most of last year. I’d gotten my mojo back, had set some goals, and felt enthusiastic about going after them.

Now I don’t know whether to chuckle or feel pity for myself when I think back to the start of the year. No sooner had it dawned than the first round of chaos ensued.

1st Quarter 2024 Stress

Wayne wasn’t feeling well again. We feared maybe the blood clots had returned. Either that, or he was having heart issues. After several doctor visits, including a couple to his cardiologist, and a variety of tests, we had no idea what might be ailing him. Nothing physically wrong was showing up.

But he was under a lot of stress. That was the only thing all his doctors could agree on that was probably causing his symptoms. It must have been because once he was calmer again, he improved to normal.

At that same time, I’d gotten into a car accident. Luckily no one was hurt. And, honestly, as far as accidents go, it was the best one I’d ever been in. The other driver not only immediately claimed responsibility but also offered to pay out of pocket for the repairs. An offer I was rightly wary about, but he made good on it.

In fact, he paid from the estimate alone. I wanted to make sure he knew I’d really put the money towards fixing my car, so I texted him pictures when it was done. And since it was $14.25 cheaper than the estimate, I Venmoed him that back.

Do you know what he did? He sent me a heartfelt text about how astonished he was that there was still goodness in the world and Venmoed me a little something back. He said, “Treat the fam to a nice dinner.” He’d gifted me $125!

So, even though it was inconvenient to be without my car for a few weeks, I saw a nice side of humanity shine during a less-than-ideal situation.

2nd and 3rd Quarter 2024 Stress

There was a lot of drama around our house during this period. The company Wayne worked for sold. Sometimes that’s a bad thing. Employees get laid off and such. In Wayne’s case, it presented a different dilemma. A good one that resulted in being profitable for us. I’m not at liberty to say more than that, but I can say, before the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, there was a major storm.

And then he decided to quit his job. It’s wonderful he’s in a position to do that. Between that and me reaching 15 Years in the Clear, we had a lot to celebrate. So when he found a well-priced 18-day cruise that went to both Alaska and Japan, we jumped at it.

I knew that skunk was an omen!

After about three months of planning and anticipation, it was time to embark on our most ambitious journey yet. But I was nervous because it meant leaving our cat, Mr. G, for three weeks. He was in the care of our awesome pet sitter, Jen. Still, that’s a long time —for both him and me to be separated from each other.

The night before we were set to leave, G didn’t want to come in. He likes to sit on the deck in the evenings during the summer. But that night, he was focused on something in the neighbor’s yard. Pretty soon, I saw a creamy-colored something emerge from the shadows, waddling near the fence line.

It took me a second to recognize it. Not an albino skunk exactly. Its fur had a tinge of yellow to it. But it wasn’t the stereotypical black-and-white skunk, that’s for sure.

My first instinct was to snatch up G, who was not happy about that one bit. But the last thing I needed was him to get skunked and have the house reek for three weeks.

But I was aware of another sensation in my gut: a warning bell. That’s not a good sign, my mind whispered.

I tried to dismiss it by immediately thinking, “Only if you let it. Remember, you attract what you think. Keep it positive. This doesn’t mean the trip will be bad.”

Still, even before the skunk, I’d had a bad feeling about this trip. Besides worrying about leaving G for so long, traveling in foreign countries with my belly issues always causes me stress.

A Sh-t Trip, Part 1

Unlike most of Europe, however, Japan is a bathroom-friendly country. No pay toilets there! In fact, anyone who knows even a little about Japanese toilets knows they take potty time to the next level. The “worst” public facility I used there would be considered nice in the States.

Sadly, I didn’t get to experience Japan’s other non-bathroom attributes like I’d hoped because, during our cruise, Wayne collapsed. He hadn’t felt well during most of the trip. Not from Covid or the flu or anything. It started in Long Beach, where, against my advice, he took a long run.

I couldn’t blame him. The morning was gorgeous. Crisp and dry. Nothing like the unforgiving, unrelenting, sweltering ick of Nashville August mornings. But past experience has taught me when he indulges in too much of a run, it causes him trouble later. This time was no exception.

It probably started with mild dehydration from that. But a few days into the cruise he lingered in the steam room and hot tub of the thermal suite too long. Between that and all the time changes on the boat, he never got right. He only got worse.

Until, on his birthday of all days, he started complaining that his teeth hurt and his chest felt funny. Next thing I know, he’s standing next to me, his eyes dilated, yelling, “I can’t see! I can’t see!” and BOOM! Down he went.

It’s amazing I didn’t have a heart attack that night seeing him crumble like that. Especially when the medical team arrived and couldn’t get stats on him at first. Then I saw his toes as they carried him out of the room. They had a slight bluish tint like my mom’s did as she was dying.

My whole world spiraled.

The Good News, Part 1

I don’t really want to re-live all the stress of being on a boat in the middle of the Pacific, knowing that was it. The only help for Wayne was on that ship. I was putting my trust in the medical team and equipment to be enough to help him.

Spoiler alert: It was.

But I didn’t know it at the time. After they stabilized him came the worry of whether they’d medically disembark to a hospital us in Aomori, Japan. Or would they wait until we got to Tokyo? Or would he be well enough that he could get off by himself?

Luckily, he rebounded, we disembarked as normal and headed to our hotel in Tokyo.

A Sh-t Trip, Part 2

I’m forever grateful I splurged on our Tokyo room. I didn’t go crazy price-wise, but I upgraded to a corner room at the Hotel Metropolitan Tokyo Marunouchi. Good decision. That’s how I “saw” Tokyo.

I didn’t feel well our first night in Tokyo. Too much stress and too little sleep finally caught up with me. The next day we ventured out early to start exploring, but it was too hot. I made us return to the hotel, where I should’ve insisted we stay. Instead, I made things worse.

Wayne wanted to go and explore. Around noon he was getting super antsy. How hard could it be to take a short train ride to a museum we wanted to see? Maybe we could salvage a little of the trip. He seemed fine. So, against my better judgment, we set off.

The train station proved confusing and was swelteringly hot and overwhelming. Wayne’s patience snapped. Before I knew it, he was having a meltdown. I tried to cool him off both figuratively and literally.

We finally figured out which train to get on, headed off for the short ride, but it was too much. By the time we reached the museum, it became clear we’d have to abort the mission. Wayne’s color was awful, and he felt faint. I scrambled to figure out how to get a taxi to get us back to the hotel, hoping I wouldn’t need to figure out how to get to a hospital instead.

We made it, but it was a rough night. The next morning it became clear there was no way Wayne could board the flight home. But we headed to the airport just in case he improved along the way. He didn’t. After visiting the hospital clinic, they suggested a hospital for us. We canceled our flight and experienced Japan’s healthcare system.

The Good News, Part 2

I have nothing but glowing praises for the International University of Health and Welfare Narita Hospital. They provided us with an interpreter, Suki, who was like our surrogate Japanese mom for the few hours we were in the hospital’s care. She was so helpful and calmed my frazzled nerves with her gentle, nurturing assistance.

When it came time to pay, she warned me it was an expensive bill. I wanted to laugh when I realized it equated to $350. We’d spent $10,000 for medical fees on the ship.

The cardiologist assessed Wayne’s heart was fine, but they saw some “non-critical” things they encouraged us to address with his doc back home. The best thing was they gave Wayne some anti-anxiety meds. We’d never have gotten home without them. His stress was uncontrollable.

Since then, we’ve been to his primary a few times, the cardiologist, and had more tests done. The great news is he’s okay. We still don’t know why he collapsed, but at least we know his ticker is in tip-top shape. Mine too. Because if ever there was a time I was going to have a heart attack, this last trip would’ve been it.

4th Quarter Stress

Even though my heart is holding up and we’ve gotten good news on Wayne’s health, my stress continues to run rampant. It’s never really leveled off since we’ve been home. I was on pins and needles even leaving him home alone to run a quick errand when we first got back. I was afraid he’d collapse again, bang his head, and I’d come home to find him dead.

That’s gotten better as I’ve seen him regain his strength and energy. But I’m still wound too tight. I’m trying to find ways to calm down and re-center because I know I’m flirting with inviting the cancer to return if I don’t. This is the same way I felt when I got sick the first time.

Complicating matters is adjusting to Wayne being around all the time. Most people would peg me as an extrovert. I’m not. I crave my alone time. And quiet time. We’re still navigating this new frontier and stage of life our relationship finds itself in.

Because I may not have made it clear. Wayne didn’t just quit his job. He retired. But he doesn’t like that word, and neither do I really. It seems so final and end-phase. We’re searching for a better one. If you have suggestions, please share them!

Then there’s the uncertainty of this election. Will Kamala win, or will Donald? It matters for a whole lot of reasons to a whole lot of different people. For me, it will determine whether I stay an American or flee to another country.

As much as it terrifies me to uproot and live somewhere else, likely a non-English-as-a-first-language country, I refuse to stay in the States if Trump is re-elected president. I was spared from making that move in 2020. I’m hoping 2024 repeats history.

But for all the uncertainty and stress swirling as we head into the last few weeks of the election, there is an upside. At least the house is finally getting cleaned up and dejunked.