I’ll never forget the moment I was told I had cancer. Well, that wasn’t the exact moment I found out I had cancer. The official diagnosis would could come a few days later after I’d been admitted to the hospital.
But I already knew.
I’d known for months but couldn’t get anyone to listen to me. I felt worse and worse, lost more and more energy and the pain…
Well, that’s why I’d gone to ER. The tramadol my doctor had prescribed had done nothing. I spent my days writhing in pain on the floor.
The fateful one in question that got me admitted and confirmed what I knew was when I begrudgingly told Wayne to load me up and take me in.
But when we got there, I was dismissed. Again.
I’ll never forget the disgusted look on the ER doc’s face as I told him what was happening.
“So what are you here for then? Drugs?”
What?
“I want to feel better and know why I’m in all this pain,” I said.
That’s when Wayne intervened and said we’d been in there five days before and had gotten x-rays but no one had gotten back to us with results yet.
The look on the ER doc’s face when he returned told me everything I needed to know: There was, as I’d been telling everyone for months, something seriously wrong with me. I was not a pain drug addict as he’d first assumed.
“No one told you about the tumor in your chest?” he said.
For the first time in weeks, I relaxed. I even smiled. Of course I was also terrified, but my first reaction was not terror. It was exquisite relief.
Poor Wayne, however, bolted from his seat sobbing. It was such a guttural, genuine sound.
Sometimes I question if he really loves me. (Part of my mommy issues. Because if you’re mom doesn’t love you, it’s very hard to believe anyone else could. Thanks, mom. )
However, in that moment there was no question. He was much more torn up about the whole thing than I was.
Suddenly I went from being shoved aside on a gurney in the hall to getting VIP treatment. I was whisked into a private room and hoards of doctors and nurses started crowding around me. I didn’t want an IV, I didn’t want to get checked in. That’s when the terror found me.
But when all of a sudden something was injected in that IV and my pain and consciousness floated away, I was back to feeling relief.
Even though it’d be temporary. Did the morphine ever really take the pain away? I don’t know. It’d knock me out for a few hours at a time, but it would flare again. And oh my God those flares…
Surviving the excruciating, debilitating pain is to this day the thing I’m most astounded by.
This week I was reminded of this first phase of the cancer. The relief and the terror of finally knowing that yes, oh my YES, something was really wrong.
I received the first dose of the Moderna shot on March 5. On March 6 the diarrhea started.
That’s about par for the course for me. In fact, that’s when I knew the tide had turned in my cancer treatments. I usually have no issues with constipation. The first four treatment chemos backed me up to where I only went once a week. Always on Monday. They became a dreaded blessing because even with Miralax….well, let’s just say “Ow,” sums it up.
But then after the fourth dose of chemo something happened. I felt fantastic in the days following my treatment. The second week was always the worst with throwing up and low energy. Taking a shower was about all I could manage most days for that week.
But this time, what was happening? I didn’t have to wait for Monday. My bowels let loose more than the vomit for the first time in months. I knew, just like I’d known with the pain, that my cancer was on the way out!
Anyway, I have a sensitive tummy so new meds can give me diarrhea. However, I also had to start Metformin on 3/8 because thanks to COVID I’d given up on diet and exercise and my a1C was tragic when I went in for my annual checkup.
I’d done good for so many years controlling it through diet and exercise, but I knew now it was time to relent and take drugs.
Luckily they started me on only one 500mg pill a day. I’m not sure what would’ve happened if I’d had to take more. Except for a couple days here and there the last month, I’ve suffered loose stools and diarrhea at minimum two times a day, sometimes more.
Because I have these troubles sometimes, especially if I get stressed or try new foods or meds, I know to take Imodium. I don’t like to live on it, though, and never really have had to go more than a week taking it for prolonged spats, so I held back taking it only on really bad days. If I got to a fourth visit to the bathroom I’d pop some.
I know what foods trigger it. I also know which foods trigger this other problem I have. It feels like I need to either poop or throw up, but I can’t. Not right away. Most times I end up forcing myself to throw up knowing once I do I’ll start feeling better.
But until I can either do that or go the other way, I’m out for the count writhing in pain, sweating, heart racing from a torturous abdominal pain in my left side.
The first time I experienced it was in the 90s. Bagged salad. There was something in there that every time I ate salad from a bag, I’d be in misery.
Then salmon started triggering it. Over the years, every two or three, a new food triggers it. Foods I used to be able to eat with no problem. Heck, I grew up on salmon! It was my favorite fish!
Raw veggies, bananas (which I survived on during chemo), avocados…they all now trigger the issue.
Obviously I avoid the foods I know of that kill me like the plague.
It’s actually been a while since I’ve had one of those attacks. The last one I remember is a few summers back at the pool after eating Mexican food for lunch that had avocado in it. That’s how I knew that tragedy of tragedies, another favorite food was out to kill me. (No more guac? What fresh hell is that?)
But then last month, I was experiencing those attacks from foods that had never bothered me before.
I knew the metformin was likely going to cause stomach issues, but there was no way I could live with having to cut two to four hours out of my day multiple times a week writhing in agony until I could poop or throw up. I’d rather deal with the consequences of high blood sugar!
Except I know that’s not really an option either. I watched two good friend battle uncontrollable blood sugar and all the complications and doctor and hospital visits that come with it. I don’t want that either.
I had to find answers. I was never more motivated to figure out what was going on though until about a week ago. Sometimes broccoli can trigger my excruciating abdominal pain issue. Sometimes it doesn’t. If I only eat a little bit, I’m okay.
Well, the other night I was feeling confident and ate more. To my horror, within three hours later, I was in the bathroom passing undigested broccoli bits. Post chemo that started happening with spinach, so that’s another favorite food that I have to avoid now too. But never had broccoli done that.
So I Googled it, convinced I’d find something telling me I had some kind of cancer. Which I might. Who knows?
But instead what I found was a kindred suffering spirit…whose article I can now not find again or I’d link to it, but I could’ve written it too. All her once favorite foods, ones that are super foods and supposed to be good for us, caused her the same suffering I experienced!
Even though I can’t find the article, it did offer an important clue to research further: Salicylate Intolerance.
So many foods have salicylates. Fruits, vegetables, tea…. There were charts listing foods with negligible salicylates to high levels.
There they were. So many of the foods that cause me that awful pain and bowel movements. Radish, spinach, mushrooms, mint (which is one of my favorite herbs, but lately it upsets my stomach too), tea, as well as all the other culprits.
It sparked another memory. A few years back my doctor at that time strongly suggested I start a baby aspirin regimen. Heart disease runs in my family so I did.
It killed my stomach. I felt miserable. I ended up stopping and on a follow up visit when she noticed I removed baby aspirin from my list of medicines she asked why. I told her and she rolled her eyes and said it was all in my head.
Now I know it’s not. Aspirin, even baby aspirin, is super high in salicylic acid, a salicylate. So it definitely was hurting my stomach!
I cried with relief.
Then came the dismay.
Turmeric, cinnamon and other things I love to add to my foods and drinks, but lately I’ve also noticed cause issues, especially after starting the metformin, are triggering me.
That’s when the tears came.
“Well, now what the hell am I going to eat? Only meats? How I am supposed to life a long and healthy life if my body views all the good foods as dangerous invaders?”
I’ve made an appointment to talk with my doctor about possible other metformin options, but I think all of them have the potential for digestional upset. I didn’t have this info about salicylate Intolerance yet though, so I will be discussing that with her too.
From all I’ve read so far, there is no test to detect it. The best I can do is avoid foods with moderate and high salicylate levels.
But I probably will need to meet with a dietician who can help me figure out what to eat that won’t kill me. My hopes for a long and healthy life are already shot, but I would like to live as long and healthy and as comfortably as I can for whatever time I have left.
Here’s hoping I can figure out how to do that.