I must politely decline. I’m embracing JOMO this year.

“Forget FOMO. Embrace JOMO…” the headline of The Washington Post article started out in the News app on my iPhone.

I knew what FOMO was. (Fear of Missing Out.) If there were a FOMO Anonymous meeting, Wayne would drag me to it. (Faithfully. Every week.)

But what the heck was JOMO? Would the rest of the headline give me a clue? So I clicked the link to find out.

Apparently, it is the Joy of Missing Out. Unlike FOMO, where fear is the star, embracing doing less is central to the JOMO mindset.

FOMO + Social Anxiety = A Bad Combo

Immediately, I thought back to the 2020 lockdowns and social distancing. Yes. Parts of it sucked. But I was secretly relieved to have an excuse to stay home and away from people.

That was also the year I realized I suffer from social anxiety. Growing up, I was notorious for making plans with people, only to cancel at the last minute. As the date drew nearer, I’d grow more and more worried about it. What I’d wear, what we’d talk about, how to act, and what we’d do.

The “doing” was probably the most anxiety-inducing. Something very straightforward, like going to a movie, was not too bad. Chances were lowest I’d cancel on something like that. That I understood. Sit there. Watch the movie. Minimal amount of small talk required. Perfect.

But a party or any kind of unstructured group gathering setting? Or going to a bar? Ugh. No. Anything having to do with predominantly standing around talking with people (or maybe shouting to be heard in the case of a bar or party) or having to make small talk with strangers? {Insert shiver here.} Thanks. Nope. Pass.

Yet, time and time again (especially in my teens and early 20s), I’d feign what I thought was the appropriate enthusiasm because everyone else was so excited about whatever the event or activity was. I wanted so desperately to fit in, be liked, and, above all, not miss out.

Sometimes I’d force myself to go, and sometimes I’d have a good time. Mostly, though, I’d just be relieved when I could finally leave. Then, it would take me a day or two (or more, depending on how bad it went) to recover.

Because inevitably, I’d say or do something awkward in an attempt to be perceived as cool, fun, or edgy. That’s not something you acquire. You either are said things or you’re not. There’s no faking it ’til you make it.

But then I got to the point where I’d agree to go to something, then renege at the last minute. As you might imagine, that pissed people off, especially if they were counting on my attendance.

The “No” Permission Slip

After I read Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach the first time in 1999, I stopped accepting invites I knew I’d cancel on. She didn’t call it FOMO or JOMO in her book, but she did address how women especially feel compelled to say yes to things they’d rather say no to. She challenged us readers to stop doing that. To put our needs and wants first. If we didn’t want to do something, it was okay to say, “No.”

“I can do that? I have permission?” I remember thinking. That’s what it felt like. Getting a green light I didn’t know was even an option.

I also remember the first time I said no. It felt so unnatural that I almost made myself sick (as in vomit) because I was sure I’d upset the other person. Nope. They were fine with it, respected my answer, and we stayed friends. Phew.

They often say the first time’s the hardest (no matter what that first time is), but once you get past it, it gets easier. That was the case with me learning to say no and only committing to things I knew I wouldn’t cancel on.

I’ve slipped here and there over the years, especially the last couple. It’s one of the things that contributed to 2023 being mentally rough for me. (As I wrote about here and here.) I take comfort in the fact that at least I didn’t bail on them all. (But I did relapse a bit on that front too.)

Coming out of COVID had a lot to do with it. We should all be living and being together again, right? That’s how I rationalized it anyway. My FOMO problem fueled some of it too.

But then, reading the article about JOMO conjured feelings similar to what Simple Abundance had. It was like getting a permission slip again. Especially when The Washington Post published another article soon after about how it’s okay to say no to social invitations. It’s more important to live on your own terms, not struggle to live up to expectations.

And believe me, that struggle is real for socially awkward introverts like myself.