A Pen Name?

Recently I shared that I made it to the first phase selection of an upcoming Chicken Soup book Think Positive, Live Happy. Great news, right?

Yes! I love seeing emails that validate someone else thought something I wrote might be worthy of publishing.

However, while it’s a good sign, it’s not a done deal. That was only the first phase.

Well, this week I got an even better email. I made it to the final selection round!

When you get there, they send a final version of the story to proof for approval. I went to read it and saw something I hadn’t seen on any previous stories.

The Request

We would like you to publish the story under a pen name as we feel your sister may not remember things the same way and may not be ok with sharing the story. Please suggest a pen name.

As I mentioned in my “Come on Happy Cells” post, this one is about my cancer experience. Which a lot of my writing anymore is inspired by. But this essay was a little more:

It’s also one of the most honest things I’ve ever written…

I mean, all my essays are truthful, but this one came from a place I’ve never tapped before. Maybe “more personal” is what I mean rather than “most honest.”

Oh, it’s both honest and personal alright. And if my sister paid any attention to my writing, no. She would not like hearing my side of events at all. At. All!

The Blow

All I could think was, “They want a pen name? I can’t use my own name this time?”

True, my sister wouldn’t remember things the way they had happened. She never did. She was notorious for creating her own histories.

I mean, we all do. There’s always two sides to any story and we generally tend to skew things in our own favor. But my sister? She takes it to a whole new level. I’ll get to that, but first…

Seeing the pen name request took all the wind out of my sails.

It felt like cheating somehow. I’d written one of the most honest things I’ve ever put out there for public consumption and now I’m not being allowed to claim it with my own name.

Maybe “cheating” isn’t the right word. “Cowardice.” Yes, that’s it. It feels like I’m hiding behind something, even though I have nothing to hide.

The Old Wound

It brought back decades of hurt. My whole life, every time I dared challenge my sister’s actions or call her out, my mom and dad would defend her.

“No, it’s not right that she did X (whatever X may be), but we have to be patient with her. She’s going through a hard time.”

She was always going through a hard time. So we always walked on egg shells around her.

When I had to get an attorney involved as my mom was dying, the lawyer asked, “Do you want to call her and request this info, or would you like me to?

“My sister has a strong personality. She might pay more attention if you call her.”

The attorney laughed and said, “Ah, sibling dynamics. Pretty common reaction for a younger one to feel that way about an older one.”

I wasn’t surprised. No one ever believed me. I was used to getting dismissed like this. But I never got used to being upset about it.

Later that afternoon the lawyer called me back and in all concern and seriousness asked, “Has your sister ever been diagnosed with a mental condition?”

The Validation

She’d gotten a taste of my sister’s full wrath. Starting out with my sister trying to put on the charm, then turning arrogant, condescending and ending with a full on rage before hanging up on the lawyer.

The lawyer said she’d done her best to remain calm and civil but my sister had quickly overreacted (as she was prone to) and it quickly became obvious there would be no reasoning with her. (I could’ve told her that, but I knew she wouldn’t listen.)

“Saying your sister has a ‘strong personality’ is a gross understatement,” the attorney chastised me. “There’s something wrong with her.”

Then, a couple weeks after that, the social worker at my mom’s hospice called me and said, “I’ve dealt with your mom, and now your sister. I want you to do me a favor and take the day off. Don’t come visit your mom today. And I want you to get some counseling. I’ve seen them and I’ve seen you. They’ve been like this your whole life, haven’t they?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t realize it, because you think it’s normal. This has been your life. But what those two have done is mentally and emotionally abuse you your whole life.”

Those words started a torrent of tears that last the rest of the day.

What the social worker didn’t understand was that I knew. I had just denied it and accepted it because no one ever listened. They always made excuses for my mom and sister’s bad behavior.

But finally someone was telling me they saw it too. It was one of the most freeing experiences of my life.

The Pen Name

Which brings me back to the matter of the pen name. I’ve never really cared for them. Even though I have one, C. Le Mroch, that I plan to use for horror writing purposes.

Because I understand when you write in different genres it can confuse readers. If they love you for one genre, that’s what they expect. If they read you for romance, that’s what they like. They may not appreciate you’re also a great sci fi author.

Erotica is also a good example. A lot of people don’t read that. Some romance authors keep their mainstream romances light, but also pen steamy, naughty erotica that might taint and offend their other readers.

And then there’s cases like the one I’m presented with. It protects parties, especially the publishers, from any frivolous lawsuits or legal matters.

But as you may have noticed, my last name of my horror pen name is not different. I just changed the look of my initials a bit. It’s still me.

A New Bio

However, it’s more than just a fake name now. Not only have they requested a pen name, but also a new bio.

Since you are using a pen name can you re-write your bio so you are not so identifiable?

I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to drop any further than reading the “please provide a pen name request.” That did it.

Bios for myself and for C. Le Mroch took some time to craft, but they came fairly easy. I’d been thinking about them for years. Along with all the novels I planned to write under each.

But beyond that? Who am I? Who would this alter ego be? What are her likes and passions?

I don’t know, but that is what I’m faced with creating now….