The Two Soul-Defining Revelations I Made About Myself in 2022

You’d think that at 52, I’d have a pretty good idea of who I am by now. Which, to a large extent, I do. However, there’s something satisfying about getting confirmation of things I suspected about myself all along. But a couple of revelations this year are ones I wish I’d made much earlier in life. They explain so much.

The INFJ-T Revelation

If I’ve ever taken a Myers & Briggs test before, I clearly didn’t pay attention. Or maybe once upon a time my results were different. But I don’t think I ever took such a test. I would’ve remembered the results —and adjusted my attitude towards myself accordingly.

See, I’ve always felt bad about who I am. On the outside, I clearly appear friendly, happy, and nice. Everywhere we go, even places we’ve never been before, people tell me how happy they are to see my smiling face again and compliment me on being so pleasant. How they wish more people were like me.

While I generally am pretty happy on the inside, and I do smile a lot on the outside, and I believe in treating people kindly, on the inside I feel like a fraud. Mostly I wonder why people find me likable at all.

I always figured it had to do with my mom. After all, when you’re mother never liked or wanted you, much less didn’t love you, and took every opportunity to let you know, it leaves a mark. More like a deep soul-searing scar. Others might not be able to see it, but I’m always aware it’s there.

So, yes. I’m sure that definitely affects my makeup.

However, then this year I took a personality test and was pleasantly surprised that what I’d suspected all along was true: I am an introvert!

Wayne always tells me I’m not. He’s not. I seem to have no trouble talking to people.

I don’t, but it’s because I force myself to try and keep up with Wayne’s outgoing nature. Plus, he’s an amazing conversationalist. Maybe I’ve picked up a few tricks from him over the years. But in general, I always feel awkward talking to people.

I’m much more content in my own company, or with a very few limited people who I feel comfortable being myself in front of.

The test confirmed that’s true. But what really freaked me out, my INFJ traits share a lot of the same descriptors as my Virgo birth chart. Namely, money doesn’t motivate me. Being helpful and making a difference does, though. I’m very principled and have strong beliefs I’m passionate about. I’m perfectionistic, reluctant to open up, and both super judgmental and sensitive to criticism.

Truth.

But the one aspect that really stood out to me was how much I thrive on being alone. That explained so much I’ve grappled with my entire life. A conflict that has tormented me. I want to be a team player, and I can be a good one when I want to. But inevitably, after the honeymoon phase and the excitement of teaming up with folks passes, I create reasons to withdraw and be alone again.

It’s among the reasons I struggle making friends. Once I do, I normally keep them, but it also helps explain why I’ve also driven some away. But there was an even more interesting revelation about that dilemma in a ranking of most hated zodiac signs.

The Virgos Are a Most Hated Sign Revelation

The other day I read a post where MSN ranked the top 6 most hated zodiac signs. Why they didn’t just say, “This half of the zodiac are the most hated signs,” I don’t know. Or just pick the top three.

See? There’s that critical Virgo I know and love.

Anyway, I love astrology and was curious which signs would make the cut. I know which signs I don’t get along well with. None of them were on the list. (But the signs I don’t get along with? They’re generally the folks I end up driving away.)

I laughed out loud when I read Virgos were the second most hated sign, though. Unsurprisingly, our judgmental natures are to blame. We’re very off-putting. In the explanation, descriptors like “condescending behavior,” “disapproving,” and “snobbishness” popped out at me. So did “naturally shy characters” and “distrustful.”

As far as distrustful, I’m not sure I’ve always been that way. I would say I’ve always been a little suspicious of people at first. Wary. But after things that happened in 2005 and 2008, “distrustful until proven otherwise” is a fair assessment.

But the “shy” part reminded me of something one of my high school friends once told me. Once I’d finally allowed them into my trust circle, that is.

“You’re the sweetest person I know! But in the beginning, when I first met you, I thought you were so stuck up. Then come to find out, my mom was right. She said you might just be shy, and that’s exactly what you are.”

Why do these revelations matter?

I don’t know. I just know a huge weight lifted and a light bulb went off after getting the results of the personality test and reading the silly most hated zodiac signs post. “Silly” because I’m well aware a person shouldn’t define themselves by, or take, such lists too seriously.

Still, I found comfort in knowing why I have trouble making friends, and that I do rub people wrong sometimes. It took a pressure off. Ever since, when I feel insecure or frustrated, I remind myself, “Look. You are who you are. You are critical, judgmental, and generally prefer to be alone. That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Why I ever thought there was, who knows? But I’m glad I no longer do.

The Bonus Freeing Revelation

I didn’t save the article I read this next tidbit in, but it was also an attitude game-changer this year: “You didn’t come into this world perfect. You won’t leave perfect. You’re going to have a lot more imperfect moments in between.”

Failure leads to growth is an outlook I’ve incorporated into my mantras in recent years, but struggling with my inner perfectionist remains an ongoing battle. Yet, viewing “perfect” through the advice in that, “You didn’t arrive perfectly and you won’t go out that way” revelation…wow. It both blew my mind and set it free at the same time.

What about you? Have you made any soul-altering revelations this year? And are you an introvert or an extrovert?