The last few weeks I’ve been agitated about something. I knew a certain person didn’t like me. I knew it long before they drew a line in the sand and forced my hand on an issue.
By that point, I wasn’t really liking them and their opinionated ways very much either. We really didn’t have anything in common…except for a couple of things. I thought those might be strong enough to keep us together. I was deluding myself.
I was hoping to make it work because the relationship had started strong…even though I had a niggling feeling that it was super similar to another friendship that had started out about the same way and then devolved into that person at first ghosting me before unfollowing and blocking me.
History repeated itself. Sort of.
This new friend is a poser like the last one who latched on with compliments and praise because they wanted something.
What did they want? Who knows?
Well, the first go-around was about associating with people who had more Twitter followers than they did. This was back in 2009 when I first put HJ on Twitter and gained a moderate following pretty fast. I sort of saw what that chick was doing back then, but she seemed so nice and always made time for me. Time eventually revealed her for the wolf in sheep’s clothing that she was, though.
Which is why I was super leery and standoffish for over a year when it started happening again with someone new. They wanted something. I felt it in my bones.
But then I talked myself into not being so cynical and ignoring my gut. I rationalized that I should give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, they’d hung around for over a year. Maybe it had been over two by then. What if they were sincere?
Nope. They weren’t.
When they realized I really didn’t have anything to offer after I made introductions to others who had more to offer than me, they had no more use for me.
But before we parted ways, there was that awkward interlude building up to the official separation. That’s when the veiled put-downs were the most damaging and had me questioning my worth.
But it all started earlier than that. I started realizing they had no respect for me around this time last year. They’d dismiss my efforts, which of course both angered and irritated me because what did they do so great?
In fact, what did they do at all? They had nothing. Except fears and insecurities. But beyond that? No real talents. Well, to be fair they had talents that they dismissed in themselves, so why should it have been a surprise they wouldn’t recognize them in others?
But as far as an actual brand? Nope. Total rank amateurs. No concept of branding at all. They’d bashed people with websites because “who needs those?” Which I later learned was code for, “I don’t know how to do it and don’t want to take the time to learn so I’ll knock anyone who threatens me by appearing smarter or more of a self-starter.”
Ugh. Now when I think back on some of that I wonder what I was thinking associating with anyone like that anyway?
Well, we can all talk ourselves into things and fool ourselves that they’re healthy when they’re not.
But the fact remains it’s still a loss and I’m hurt this relationship ended because I thought it was a genuine friendship, but…it wasn’t.
All I know is I tried to part as amicably as I could. Mostly because I was feeling guilty. I had it in my head it was all my fault.
So…I tried to talk myself out of my gut feelings. I dismissed my hunches and niggling doubts as me being too sensitive. I had mistakenly thought maybe I was overreacting to the veiled snarks. Maybe I was the real issue. I had been vulnerable and let my inner Virgo shine through. She can put people off with her critical and pragmatic ways.
So I accepted all of the responsibility for things turning south.
But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized the signs were there that for whatever reason, this person had no respect for anything I did. I wasn’t missing anything. Facts were the facts. They thought I was a joke.
Then when the shit hit the fan, did anybody ask if I was okay? Was there any attempt to work it out?
Nope. It was only about them.
So I felt torn up and guilty that a friendship had died because I kept beating myself up over what I could’ve done better to avoid that outcome.
But I was also angry. Who were they to think they’re better than I am?
Which that part is fine. We’re all free to our own thoughts. I was mad that I cared what they thought. That’s not my circus or monkey!
And I was angry at myself for wasting time trying to prove to them I was worthy of them. Hadn’t I learned anything from my mom? If someone doesn’t feel you’re worth their time of day, move on. No sense banging your head against the wall or trying to conform into something that suits them. Fuck that!
And, yet, I’d done just that. Given a fuck. Tried to conform. Tried to be someone cool they’d like.
I hadn’t been true to myself. I am what I am. Don’t like it? Not the right fit for you? Move on!
So, even more than being mad at them, I was mad at myself. And over the weekend my irritation manifested even more.
But why? What had happened was months old. Why did this person keep weighing on my mind and invading my thoughts?
Sometimes when this happens, not just for bad reasons but for good ones too, it’s because I’m on the other person’s mind and picking up on that. But in this case, why would that person give a fuck about me? They made it clear they don’t think what I’m doing is good at all or worthy of any of the attention I get.
This morning I woke up, journaled about it, and resolved that the problem is I keep seeing them and their lame posts on social media and every time I do it annoys the shit out of me and picks at the scab.
Which doesn’t serve me at all.
The best thing to do would be to somehow mute them or unfollow them so I don’t see their stuff anymore. Out of sight. Out of mind. Problem solved.
But unfollowing them…that really makes the end of a friendship final, doesn’t it? And I didn’t want to hurt their feelings…
I decided to think on it while I did my first of the month purge of people who have unfollowed me on Insta. That’s when I saw it. The motherfucker had unfollowed me recently!
At first that made me sadder, because it confirmed what I had suspected all along. They truly did not like or respect me. At all.
Then I laughed. Just seeing my posts was clearly irritating them as much as theirs were irritating me. That gave me some measure of comfort.
Here I’d been so busy blaming myself when I should’ve realized much, much quicker it takes two to tango and this person was just as much to blame. If not more so. After all, I’d been willing to work it out. Where was their olive branch?
Nowhere because reconciliation wasn’t on their agenda. That was my fantasy. They’d gotten from me what they wanted. Just as I’d initially suspected, it really had only been all about them.
So after mourning that it really is over, that when it was good, it was a lot of fun, but now it’s all done, I unfollowed in return as I wished them well in all of their endeavors. I hope one day they’ll find the peace and confidence they’re lacking and so desperately searching for.
Just as I’ve now found mine.
There. All freed up and ready to get back to being my flawsome self without my focus being diverted to things that don’t deserve it.